


On and on and on

by dizbil



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Community: sassy_minibang, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 20:00:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizbil/pseuds/dizbil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when you lose everything? When the person you love the most just disappears? There is no perfect way to deal with Dean's absence and no magical solution, Sam come to that conclusion very easily right after loosing his big brother. He's lost, desperate and scared and Castiel seems to be the answer. Sam has always loved Cas and yet it doesn't feel right, it's never enough, pretending is not enough and he must live and be happy for his mother, he must find a reason to keep on and on...</p>
            </blockquote>





	On and on and on

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the sassy minibang 2012.  
> Artist: [sammycolt24](http://sammycolt24.livejournal.com/). Go check out the incredible art for the fic and please do leave comment.  
> Art masterpost : [here](http://sammycolt24.livejournal.com/2588.html)  
> Beta:[ renegadeangelz](http://renegadeangelz.livejournal.com) (thanks again for your quick work)

 

 

Dean died on a Tuesday.

Sam remembered because when he was little this used to be the day he and Dean took their bikes and went for long rides all across town and came back with new holes in their jeans and mud all over their faces. Mary would look down at them and complain while John would ruffle their hair, claiming it was good for them and no way a Winchester was spending all his days inside. 

John died when Sam was twelve. But that was beside the point right now...

Dean. Sam was the one who found him. Mary was too old, too sad and too tired to take care of her sick son so Sam was doing it. It was the least he could do. The first months, Dean would give him this nasty glare while he was helping him eat and other things you have to do in the morning. But these pasts few weeks? Dean would just drop his gaze on the window, close his mouth in a thin line and lay still while Sam was cleaning him. To say it hurt to see his brother this way wasn’t the whole truth, it was worse than that.

Dean used to be Sam’s hero.

He never believed in Superman or all that stuff, but he knew his brother could do anything, make their mum smile, beat that tall kid that everyone was so afraid of and steal candies for Sam and not get caught. Dean truly was his everything. It all went wrong two years ago, Dean came back home and he couldn’t do anything. No more funny stories, dirty jokes or that smile.... Oh that smile... Dean was of course beautiful, gorgeous even and it took a lot not to notice it, he had Mary’s green eyes and golden skin, dark blond hair and freckles on both of his cheeks. He was beautiful. Sickness just came and took everything away from him.

Watching someone die from cancer wasn’t like in one of those stupid commercials or those brochures Mary brought back from the hospital. It was just... Sam really didn’t have any words but it felt like it wasn’t only Dean dying, it was the three of them. Mary couldn’t even look Sam in the eyes and she was faking smiles in front of Dean. Oh dear... That used to piss Dean off and he would tell her to go away if it was just pretend, and Mary would go to her room to cry. Sam was there of course, standing in the doorframe, facing Dean’s angry glare. In those moments, he just shrugged, sat on the bed next to his brother and would tell him all about his day. What he did in class, those kind of things... And Dean would always hug him. No need to talk. Sam was still seeing Dean as his brother, sure, he was more skinny than ever, he had bags under his green eyes, and every move seemed to cost him a lot but Sam could do one thing...still treat him like he always did.

It became harder of course, and every time Sam had to help him, they would both remain silent.

Anyway, Dean died on a Tuesday. Sam knocked on his door, not really expecting an answer, but more to announce himself. He opened the door and it truly looked like Dean was just sleeping; except that no one sleeps on the floor, their legs all tangled and their chests not moving. Sam was really not sure of what happened next. Maybe someone did scream. Maybe he rushed to Dean’s side to check if he was still breathing, maybe he even begged Dean not to die, cried because he needed his big brother to just fight it... Maybe. Sam didn’t really know to be honest.

Everything was a blur, as if someone were playing with him, putting his hands in front of his eyes, hiding the world. And before he even realized what was happening, Sam found himself in front of a mirror, getting ready for Dean’s funeral.

Because it’s all real isn’t it? Dean is dead.

It was a sick thought. A hard thought. So hard he couldn’t even finish fixing his tie because his hands were shaking too much, his breathing was suddenly labored and his heart was beating too fast in his chest. He raised his eyes to meet his reflection and Sam realized he was crying. Why cry? He should have known this was bound to happen. Doctors, Dean, everyone told him it was going to happen and... Was it so foolish to hope? So childish? He was seventeen for god’s sake. He shouldn’t be getting ready to bury his big brother, it was unfair, and Sam wanted nothing more than to break the glass in front of him and go over to Dean’s corpse. Shake him and tell him to just snap out of it. But he couldn’t. It wasn’t the right thing to do...

The door opened as Sam was still staring at himself. “Samuel... You’re not ready?” Mary’s voice took him by surprise and Sam turned around to see his mother all dressed up in black; the contrast with her long blond hair was more than wrong, especially when she looked at him with the same judging look that Dean would give him sometimes.

“I...” Sam cleared his throat and quickly wiped away the tears. “I’m having a bit of trouble with my tie...” He said with an uneasy voice, looking at the mess of knots he just made.

“Don’t worry... I’m here...” In a second, Mary was in front of him, fixing his mess. Sam had a small smile seeing as always how his mother was so small next to him. Sam had been taller than her for a long time actually, and he used to tease Dean about how someday he would be taller than him.

“Never mind,” was Dean’s answer. “I’ll always be the only one in this town who can kick your ass.”

And Sam could still hear Dean’s infamous chuckle inside his head as his mother spoke again.

“What are you going to do the day of your graduation? Or your prom night? Oh Sammy... I really think you should invite Ruby, she seems like such a nice girl and she’s always giving you that look...” 

Sam really didn’t know how she was doing that. How could she see a future? Dean was dead. That was the reason they were getting ready. How could she see past that? Sam couldn’t, he didn’t want to and the mere thought of having fun on prom night just really turned his stomach upside down and he wanted to throw up. But he didn’t. He remembered how Dean would tell him that their mom was a believer, she always needed something to keep going when things were too unbearable, it was the same after their father’s death.

So Sam did his best and he pretended, because it was all he could do right now. “Yeah... We’ll see. I’m sure she’ll look pretty in her dress if I invite her.”

“That’s my boy. There, all done. Let me look at you.”

It actually hurt Sam when both of her hands found his face, and he closed his eyes, swallowing hard, feeling the tears coming back up. He couldn’t even look into his mother’s eyes, because they were just like Dean’s, but Dean wasn’t here. Sam hated it. Just a simple sentence and yet, he was feeling so much more. He’d never felt so alone, it was punching him right into the stomach and if he didn’t focus enough, he couldn’t even breathe. Dean was gone. He didn’t want to see past that, he couldn’t. He had always seen Dean in his future, with him, beside him, this was just worse than losing an arm or a leg. It felt like losing his entire life, his entire identity, what he was and what he wasn’t. He was lost.

Sam felt the tears coming this time, and he was ready to break the embrace and find some sort of apology just so his mother wouldn’t have to see him like this, but she was already collecting them with her thumb and when Sam opened his eyes, she was smiling.

“We’re going to be okay Sam.” 

“How can you know that? How can you be so sure?” How could she be smiling? Why did she have to wear it in front of him. It was Dean’s smile. Not hers.

“Because Sam...we have to be okay. There’s nothing else we can do. I know it hurts, I know you think it’s unfair but that’s just the way it is son. You can spend your entire life fighting it and hoping you might understand something. Me? I’m just too old and today I’m supposed to bury one of my boys. I could be angry, but we both know it’s pointless and you know your brother... He would have found all of this completely ridiculous and he would make fun of you because we managed to find a suit that fit you.” 

Sam chuckled at that, tears still rolling down his face. She was right. Of course she was. It was just...exactly what Dean would have done. Sam just wished he was better at hiding what he felt and better at...just...living. It all seemed impossible now. He just nodded, silently promising Mary he was going to be okay and he let his mother kiss him on the forehead. It was all wrong because he wasn’t a great liar like Dean or even a good son like his brother... He just had to try being as good as him. It was all he could do for now. 

 

 

Smiling was actually painful. 

Sam was realizing that now, sitting on his too small chair, right next to his mother. But he had to right? Say thank you to each person presenting their condolences because it was the right thing to do. He couldn’t believe all the town was here. Dean used to hate a lot of these people. Like the old man from the candy store, who couldn’t stand Dean or Sam and always called them names. It was the place where Dean and Sam learned most of the curses they knew and used only when Mary couldn’t hear them. Or even their neighbor, Gordon, he used to say that Dean and Sam would turn out bad just like their daddy. And he was here, sitting two rows behind Sam. How was any of this right? 

Sam frowned, crossing his arms on his chest, feeling Uncle Bobby’s glance on him. He turned and offered the old man a smile. Sam was glad he was here. He wasn’t really his uncle but you know...it was just that weird thing, Bobby was just family and it was natural for him to be here, holding Mary’s hand. This was right. Dean really didn’t need anything more. Not even the priest, and to be honest, Sam wasn’t paying attention to any of his speech. Dean didn’t believe in God. Sam remembered it very clearly because of one night when he and Dean were camping in their garden he was getting pissed because tomorrow they would have to go to church. Dean never was a believer and the bit of faith he might have had died with John. “I observe with my eyes little Sammy.” Stupid sentence but it actually revealed a lot about his brother, he was realistic, knew life was crap and you just had to decide if you wanted to be a part of it or not.

Yes. Crap. It was the perfect word to describe how Sam felt right now... He couldn’t even look to Dean’s corpse. It felt wrong. The only reminder of his brother was there, between his hands, the amulet he gave to him one Christmas. Dean swore he would never take it off, and he had kept his promise. Mary gave it to Sam before they left the house, saying it would be best if it stayed with him as a reminder of Dean. Except that Sam couldn’t put the damn thing on. It just wasn’t the same, his pocket would do just fine for now. Sam frowned again as Uncle Bobby was giving him a little push with his elbow.

“What?” Whispered the boy.

“Look who’s finally showing up. I swear that Novak boy is always late.”

Cas.

Sam turned his head and he saw him, standing a few feet away from the ceremony in a suit with his tie all wrinkled, hands in his pocket, blue eyes looking at the scene.

Castiel.

Sam didn’t even think twice and he stood up, making his way over to him. He didn’t notice that his sudden move had caused a little confusion and the priest even stopped talking, before Mary gave him a sign that everything was okay, he could continue. Yes, this was okay. Because Cas was family and he could actually make this whole day less shitty and a little more...real.

Castiel moved into town when they were all little and at first, he was very quiet. Too quiet. Of course, all it took was a Winchester boy to shake him up. Dean had been the one talking to him, not even caring that Cas moved here with his grandmother because of some awful things his parents had done to him . Cas would be their friend and that was it, hell, Dean was the one giving him the nickname in the first place. And it was the time when little Sammy was following Dean everywhere so of course, he became friends with Castiel too. Even with the age difference the three of them were always together, Cas was actually one year older than Dean but Dean always acted like the big brother in every situation. Cas or Sammy, it made no difference to him.

And over the years, Sam had become so used to having both Dean and Cas by his side. They always celebrated their birthday with only the three of them and their respective family, Sam still remembered the surprise party they threw for Castiel before he left for medical school. 

“Our little nerd of to cure the world, I’m so proud,” had been Dean’s words as he was hugging Cas and forcing him to have another piece of cake. Of course Sam would remember that night, after that, it became difficult to see Cas because of his classes, and his insane hours, but mostly the distance. They would exchange email and any time Castiel had a break he would come back home.

But Sam recalled that precise night now because later during the party, when Dean and Sam were on the couch eating the remains of the cake his brother had given him an insistent look.

“So you like Cas... hmmm?”

Sam was twelve at the time, and he really hadn’t known what Dean meant, and there was cake, he couldn’t really focus on anything else. “Yeah I mean, you like Cas too...”

“....not the same thing Sammy.”

“What do you mean? He’s a...” Sam remembered that he had looked up to meet Castiel’s bright smile as he was getting a beer from the fridge. For no particular reason, that smile was somehow even more beautiful than Dean’s and more comforting. Maybe because Cas didn’t have to smile to him like this, but he did anyway because he cared a lot for Sam. “A friend. A very good friend.” Sam had said, feeling himself blushing. It was so stupid, had thought his twelve years old self, why was he blushing.

“Yeah sure.” In a second, Dean’s arm had been over his shoulder. “Whatever you say Sammy, remember just...do what you want. Okay? Don’t care about what anyone else says. It’s fine.”

“I’m... Dean what are you trying to say?”

His brother didn’t answer because Castiel was then sliding onto the couch right next to Sam. Years later, Sam realized what Dean saw that night, long before him. He loved Cas. More than just a brother, more than a friend. He really loved him. But it wasn’t like he could do something about it, right? He was just a little boy in Castiel’s world. Nothing more. Nothing less. But right here. In the present Castiel was there. And as Sam was finally standing right in front of him, he realized... He had nothing to say to him. Nothing at all. 

“I...” Sam tried but it was pointless.

“It’s okay Sam. You don’t have to say anything,” interrupted Castiel in that deep voice of his, even offering a comforting smile. “I mean...what could you say? What could you say that would make all of this okay?”

Sam nodded because it felt weird that Castiel could see right through him. Weird in a very good way, in how just a few words could make him finally able to breathe correctly. Or how he wanted nothing more than to run his hand through Cas’s black hair and make it even messier, or how his wrinkled tie was actually cute. Cas was never really handy, he was in fact very clumsy. “And you want to become a doctor?” Dean would snark. “Well damn, we’re all doomed.”

“Sorry I’m late by the way...”

“Well... The world would really have gone wrong if you actually showed up on time, right?”

“Oh low blow, I mean, I’m on time...”

“When Cas? When were you ever on time?”

“Well.... Oh shut up Winchester.” 

There it was, Sam was smiling. A real smile, not a fake one. Thanks to Castiel. He let out a sigh before he turned to the ceremony, still happening, far away from them. 

“I can’t believe he’s... He’s gone. How are you?” 

He was the first one to ask Sam how he was. The first one in months. Because it had all been about Dean. Just about Dean. The question felt somehow strange, big blue eyes staring up at him. Sam just shrugged, looking at the ground, not feeling the need to lie to Cas.

“I’m... I don’t know. I’m a mess that’s all I can say for now.”

“Well at least you’re talking...” Cas gave him a small pat on his shoulder before sighing again. “Gosh this is ridiculous. Dean would have been pissed... How about we get out of here and come back when you feel like it?”

“Yeah... I... That would be great.”

 

 

Stealing beers from the vending machine was still as easy as Sam remembered it. He watched Castiel do it, the corner of his mouth almost twitching into another smile. Almost, because it was just another sad memory; just Dean in the back of his mind. He was the one who had shown Sam and Cas how to do it in the first place. Sam could still hear, if he focused enough, Castiel’s whispers as he was looking at both ends of the street. “Dean... We’re gonna get caught. God... No way we’re getting Sammy drunk. Please. Stop that!” Like the Winchester would listen to him.

They did get Sam drunk that night, and many other nights, against Castiel’s attempts to make Dean hear reason. But it wasn’t like anyone could actually reason with Dean, and Sammy would do anything to impress him, even if it did involve drinking a couple of beers.

“And voilà!” Cas announced proudly, finally turning to Sam and handing him his drink. 

“Thanks.”

Their fingertips touched over the cold bottle and Sam tried not to notice, hard thing to do with the way Castiel was looking at him. It was also a thing with him, a little habit that made Dean wonder over the years if Castiel was blinking or not. Of course he was, had been Sam’s answer however now he wasn’t so sure. What would Cas see anyway? What Sam really felt for him? It was childish, Sam might be a romantic but, he was also a bit of a realist, whatever it was he felt for Cas he didn’t really know what to call it.

He knew how to love his brother, he knew how to love his mother and Uncle Bobby and of course, his friends. Maybe Castiel belonged to a whole new category.

Sam really didn’t want to think about it now, especially not in front of the person concerned and certainly not today. So instead he just popped open his beer and swallowed down half in one long drink. 

“Wow. Thirsty are we?”

“Yeah...” Sam wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “And you know what the worst thing is?”

“What?”

“Getting drunk won’t even make things better... I actually think it will be worse.” 

“Hmm...” Cas glanced at his own bottle for a moment, before he opened it. “Just one beer won’t hurt. Besides getting you drunk is not part of my plan, no way I’m carrying you home Winchester.”

“I’m actually not that tall you know.”

“Sam... I’m standing next to you, I think I can tell.”

Sam laughed for the second time in this whole day, running his free hand through Castiel’s fingers. It felt kinda good. They left the vending machine and started walking down the main street. It was empty, as Sam had previously noticed, the whole town was attending Dean’s funeral, most of the shops were closed. It was a small town anyway so a funeral was kind of a big deal. However, this wasn’t how Sam wanted to see his town. Dean loved this fucking town, so it should have been sunny today instead of this cloudy and heavy atmosphere, the streets were supposed to be filled with people, children going back from school, the usual ladies gossiping about their neighbors... Just normal.

“So...” Cas was the one breaking the silence, Sam realizing the other was still staring up at him. “Wanna go over to my place?”

“What about your grandma?” Sam asked instead of saying yes. He wanted so badly to say yes. 

“She’s already at your place... I think she wants to surprise your mom by making her dinner or something like that.” Cas shrugged like it wasn’t such a big deal. His relationship with his grandma was what Sam would qualify as weird. But from what he understood, she never saw Cas until he was 9 years old and apparently by that time, his parents had already screwed up so much, that the little boy couldn’t quite believe her when she claimed she loved him. Or something like that. Sam really didn’t care, as long as Cas was Cas, it was okay. 

“Well yeah...that’d be nice.”

“Let’s go then.”

For some reason, they walk in silence. Sam is glad actually, it was their thing with Castiel. They usually didn’t talk, Dean was doing all the talking, he was just so loud and always smiling and always planning for something to do that Castiel would always give Sam that look that meant, “he never really stops, does he? 

The Novak’s house was very small, no floors or garden, just a place for one person to live, nothing like the Winchester house. And when Castiel paused in front of the house, Sam did the same, looking at him. He had a hard look on his face, like he truly hated that place with every fiber hehad.

“Mom, can Cas stay over?” It used to be Sam’s favorite sentence, because Castiel staying over meant that the three of them would get to sleep in the same bedroom and eat chocolate bars all night and listen to Dean read them ghost stories.

“We don’t have to go inside.” Sam mumbled.

“Yeah... Let’s...let’s just sit.” 

Castiel motioned to the stairs of the porch and Sam nodded. They both sat down, Castiel one step above Sam. There was another pause, during which Sam played with the label on his beer bottle. Inside, his mind was racing, looking for something funny or clever to say. What would Dean have said? Castiel would probably have been laughing nonstop by now if Dean were here.

“How’s school?” Sam managed to say after a few minutes of struggling with himself. He couldn’t even look up at Cas...

“It’s great... Awful and hard, but great... And you know, I get to be in hospitals now so it’s cool...” 

“I bet it is.” Sam just said that because it felt right, honestly it felt like Castiel was drifting away too. He hadn’t been able to keep his brother alive, how the fuck was he supposed to keep Castiel too? “When are you...you know...going back?”

“Tomorrow.”

Another pause and Sam’s attention drifted from the beer to the house in front of him on the opposite street. Tomorrow. Would he always get left behind? Then it would be cold and hard, and just trying to keep all this mess and try to live without Dean. Try to find some way of living that wouldn’t hurt him every time he made a move or just... Tomorrow.

“Sam.”

Cas’s hand over his shoulder. He had to turn and look, right? Yes. It would be rude otherwise. Except that Sam was not ready to meet that blue and he probably never would be, not with the guilt over Castiel’s features. “I’m sorry, you know I would stay if I could and...” 

“I know Castiel, I understand.” Sam interrupted. 

Because he couldn’t hear it, because there were so many things he would do if he could. If he could, he would bring Dean back, show his mother that everything was alright. He would kiss Cas and show him that he didn’t want to understand that he was in no state of understanding. He was just broke to the bones. He couldn’t get up. He felt Castiel’s grip tighten on his shoulder but he didn’t react. There was nothing that he could say, because no, he didn’t understand, he just wanted to be a selfish little boy and have Cas for himself. But that wasn’t the rule. And Sam didn’t realize there were tears on his face and that he was shaking until Castiel said his name, pulling his shoulder so he would face him. Just no. Castiel didn’t get the right to see him like this, this miserable, this hollow, and this empty. 

“Sam I’m really sorry... I wish there was more time... That I could just... I’ll write you, okay? Every day. I swear.”

Shut up. Just shut up. Sam wanted to yell exactly that but he didn’t, he was just sitting there, shaking and crying because inside like outside, he was a mess. He loved Cas, it was ripping him apart. He missed his brother, he wanted him back, he didn’t want to be alone. He wanted to be mature and understand and let Castiel go but he couldn’t and yet he didn’t have a choice.

“Sam please, look at me... I know you must really hate me right now but... I miss him too. I know I wasn’t there when it happened and I should have just... Sam look at me!”

Castiel’s pull was harder this time and Sam had no choice but to look. And see that there were some tears in the blue eyes too, that Castiel really looked like he meant every word. Still, it wasn’t fair and Sam kept sobbing silently, Cas looking down at him. The other let out a deep sigh before he pushed Sam’s hair from his face, wiping the tears away. 

“You know I wish there was something I could say right now that would make you smile. But... You... Dean is gone and… it’s just that. I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s going to get better Sam. We both know it’s not.” 

“I know.” Sam finally spoke, voice broken, just as he was.

“But I know you... You’re going to be okay.”

“I won’t.” 

Castiel sighed and Sam really hoped he saw some kind of truth in his hazel eyes. How could Castiel know? Sam wasn’t going to be okay, he wasn’t going to get over it.

Castiel’s hands found his hair and Sam was surprised by the gentle strokes and caress. It was...new and yet it felt good, intimate and comforting. Castiel had a slight frown on his face, staring at him, like he was gauging his reaction and was ready for Sam to push him away at any moment. Like Sam could ever do that... He grabbed Cas’s forearm with both of his hands, a little bit too hard but the meaning was pretty clear.

Please don’t go.

Because Sam had nothing else to hold on to and he was too afraid that if he closed his eyes a little too long, he would disappear too.

Please don’t think I’m going to be fine without you.

Because Castiel was part of his life, as important as one of his arms or his heart itself, and he had already lost so many pieces... Whose to say one day his legs won’t be able to function and all he would have to do was dying down there, mouth opened, because there was no other issues.

Please don’t leave me alone.

Because he had never been alone in his whole life, Dean, Cas, there was always someone to look up to, to impress and to make smile. He had never been alone. 

So maybe the tears still in his eyes were just a reflection of all that, maybe Castiel could see it, he didn’t know, but Castiel didn’t retreat, he stayed right here, fingers deep in Sam’s hair, probably trying to calm him down. And eventually, Sam stopped shaking, he was still holding Castiel’s arms with no intention to let go. Castiel didn’t seem to be in the mood to go anywhere. All Sam could see was Cas, that same old and comforting Cas, it was all he needed right now. He didn’t notice anything past that, past him. He didn’t hear the thunder in the background, he didn’t hear the sky scream and roar, he didn’t see the lightning and he didn’t feel the rain. Which was odd because there was some pouring down his face. It was a very light rain, easy to forget and easy to mistake with tears.

“We should go inside,” whispered Castiel, fingers still moving, brushing through Sam’s hair and tracing Sam’s scalp. Sam didn’t move, he didn’t even blink, still staring at Cas, wondering if all of this was real or if he was just dreaming.

“Sam. We should go inside.”

It was the way Castiel said his name that shook him up, almost like a plea. And then Sam stopped thinking. He wasn’t thinking when his wet hands grabbed Castiel’s face, wasn’t thinking either when he pulled Castiel in his direction, and his mind was blank when he pressed his lips against Castiel’s.

 

 

It was a hard and cold contact, because Sam was nothing but cold right now and his lips were wet. The poor child was trying to get some warmth and hoping it would work, because Castiel’s lips were soft... But he was looking at Sam with eyes wide opened like he couldn’t believe what he just did. 

It had happened really fast, in the blink of an eye really and Sam immediately regretted it. He was stupid, he should have never...

“Oh god Sam, come here.” It was Castiel’s hands all over his face now and Sam couldn’t stop the moan that escaped him and he was rewarded when Castiel’s mouth found his again. And he wished he could say that everything clicked, but it was better than that, it felt more real than that. Sam felt alive at that precise moment, more alive than he had been in months and it was burning him.

His mouth was already parted and he moaned even more as Castiel’s tongue slipped inside and traced and licked every corner, exploring him like no one ever had. Of course, it wasn’t his first kiss, his first kiss had been with Dean, when he was drunk, fooling around and his brother had said he should know how to give the perfect kiss. Dean had been very serious about this, with the right amount of tongue and had been holding Sam the proper way.

There was nothing proper about the kiss happening right now. As soon as their tongues met, Sam and Castiel actually fought for it, teeth meeting a couple times and nose brushing against each other. It was sloppy and passionate and Sam didn’t want to back up, no, he just wanted to give and to take, probably twice as much and yes, it wasn’t fair. Hard lips against each other, tongues trying to deepen the kiss. 

Sam didn’t realize he was between Castiel’s legs now, on his knees, one of Castiel’s hands grabbing his shoulder, the other inside of his hair, pulling. It hurt in some kind of good way and Sam, whose hands were on the other’s hips, was pressing himself against Cas, hard chest and wet clothes meeting, still tracing each other’s tongues.

Castiel was the one pulling away for air and Sam didn’t give him any time to recover, already licking his bottom lip. Cas’s breathing was labored, his forehead pressed against Sam, and he moaned at the contact before he opened his eyes, looking right at Sam, like they were sharing a secret. Maybe they were. Because Castiel’s lips tasted so sweet and Sam had no intention of telling it to anyone else because he was a greedy monster and he had no intention to share this...this...this angel. Yes, Castiel was an angel.

“I’m not,” answered Castiel in a breath, making Sam realize he was talking out loud. He blushed slightly, because there was some confessions he was not ready to make and Castiel moaned again, leaning in to kiss both of Sam’s cheeks. “You look so beautiful... I just...” 

“Don’t. Please. If you wanna do something, just do it.” Never had he sounded so desperate in his entire life, but this was him right now, desperate, burning and alive. He couldn’t bear wasting time right now.

Castiel nodded in agreement like he could actually understand the state Sam was in right now. But there were no words to describe how he was so ready to die and about to combust, how Castiel was the only one to save him. Free him. There were just no words. There was no place and no time for words.

Sam was glad when Castiel kissed him again, slower this time, just so they could appreciate the taste of each other, lips rubbing against one another, mouths slowly opening, Sam making more sounds that he would never admit making. But he was kissing Cas, the guy he dreamt of kissing for years now, and it was way better than he ever dreamt of. Castiel was leaving him breathless, tongue licking like he was actually starving and his hands pressing on all the right spots. They were on his nape right now, nails grazing against the sensitive skin and rubbing against the bit of hair Sam had right here. It was intoxicating and in the end, he found himself with wet clothes hanging loose against his skin, feeling cold and yet feeling hot because Castiel’s lips were pressing kisses against his jaw, one hand still on his nape, the other inside his hair, exposing his neck and his skin to the grey sky and to the rain. 

Was it really raining?

Sam’s heart was racing and he was moaning even more, “oh Cas…” he said, not able to remember anything else beyond that. He was in fact really hard in his pants, feeling more hot than ever. This was better than ditching classes with Meg and kissing her in the locker-room while everyone was in class and closing his eyes and thinking of Castiel instead. His eyes were opened now, staring at the mass of black hair rubbing against his neck, Castiel’s lips closing around his clavicle. “Oh god... Castiel yes...” Sam held his head right there not even aware of what he was doing. He was nothing but want and he wanted Cas. Castiel bit his skin right there, right next to his pulse point, almost breaking it and it made Sam growl, moving him deep inside. He had never wanted to possess someone that much, never wanted to be loved that much, he wanted, needed Castiel to break what was left of him and make him a new man. 

With that thought in mind, Sam pushed Castiel against the stairs, forcing him to be be laying against the cold steps Sam still between his legs. Castiel’s surprise disappeared as soon as Sam was pressed against him, kissing him again, both of their hands moving in unison, exploring each other’s bodies. The position wasn’t comfortable at all, Sam’s knees were rubbing against his wet clothes and the hard surface of the stairs and it was quite painful, that didn’t stop his lips, tongue and fingers from moving all over Cas. “Sam... Sam god, please don’t stop,” moaned Castiel as he was kissing his neck, mimicking Castiel’s earlier action. It was the first time Sam was really kissing and moaning against another man. He felt lost and yet, he knew right where he was, this was Castiel. His Cas. He knew him. He wanted him.

He pushed the layer of black clothing in front of him away and ripped Castiel’s shirt apart, exposing his naked skin to the rain. Castiel made a sound between a cry and a moaned but he didn’t push Sam away. Quite the contrary, his hands were there, deep inside Sam’s hair when Sam lowered himself down, tongue already tracing the pale skin. It was something he loved about Cas, no matter all those hours wasted outside, doing nothing with him and Dean, Cas’s skin would always remain this perfect.

And, Sam found out licking one of his nipples, it tasted absolutely wonderful. Castiel was just being perfect underneath him, twisting and moaning and every time Sam would plant a kiss on some part of his chest, his reaction would be absolutely insane, like it was the first time anyone had touched him this way. Oh god... Maybe it was... That thought made Sam growl against his nipple, feeling Castiel rub his hips against him when he was himself more than very hard. 

Sam wanted to get lost here. Right here, tongue tracing Cas’s ribcage, licking away the drops of rain, licking him clean. He wanted to die right here and then.

Castiel’s belt was next, Sam with his shaky fingers struggling with it. Castiel came to help, kissing him hungrily, both of their hands moving against his pants. And finally, Sam pushed Castiel’s pants to his knee, the other resuming his position, looking up at Sam with a smile. It was a beautiful smile and Sam had one on his face too as he buried his face against Castiel’s crotch, moaning. It was a stupid thing to say but it smelled like a man, strong and musky scent and Castiel’s erection right there, pressed against his nose, only separated by Cas’s underwear, which meant nothing.

Sam was practically salivating, wanting too much and wanting so much, hands pressed on Castiel’s ass, mouth pressed against the thin layer of clothing, heart beating so fast in his chest it would probably drive him insane. But today, this particular day, here under the rain, was far different from any other day. Even Sam was different, because he had never done this before, still he was excited, actually eager for it and he pushed the underwear down, freeing Castiel’s cock.

Sam couldn’t help but naively think that it was beautiful, hard, big and swollen, he swallowed the tip without even think twice about it, moaning around the skin. This was new and yet it felt familiar, it felt good and safe. This was just one hundred percent Castiel.

“God Sam...” Sam looked up, seeing Castiel through his eyelashes and the hair on his face, he was just so beautiful, face wet because of sweat and rain, looking down at him with his eyes almost dark. He was almost sitting on the step, almost standing up and Sam, who spent years studying Castiel, knew the other wanted more but couldn’t ask. So, looking into the other’s eyes, Sam opened his mouth wider, slowly taking more of Cas, being rewarded by more sounds and a hand at the back of his head. 

Sam moaned feeling the fingers back where they belong, closing his eyes and just letting go, mouth even tighter around Castiel’s flesh. He could hear and feel better that way, the rain hard and cold pouring against his face, his hair sticking to his face, lips sliding all along Castiel’s skin, licking up the traces of precome.

And Castiel’s hands was still here holding him close and tight, making all of this very intimate. This was his Cas, saying his name all over again and losing control because of him. Sam barely realized it when his nose came in contact with Castiel’s stomach, Cas’s cock hitting the back of his throat. His gag reflex kicked in and Sam had a full body spasm but he didn’t pull away, the opposite in fact, holding on to Cas with everything he had, one hand over the rest of Castiel’s cock, the other one on his hip. 

Castiel came just like that, cock trapped deep inside his mouth, legs almost giving up and almost slipping on the step but Sam was right there, swallowing it all, taking everything Cas had to give. And when he finally raised his head and met the blue eyes, saw the red of Castiel’s lips and the color on his cheeks, and his messy hair it just reminded Sam of the way Castiel screamed his name all over again and the fact that he was panting right now because of Sam.

“I love you.”

As soon as Sam pronounced the words he was gone, running fast and running away under the rain. Becoming a shape of black, Castiel screaming his name, but he pretended to be deaf because all of this didn’t make any sense.

This entire day didn’t feel real at all.

 

 

 

Castiel Novak

to Sam Winchester

Sam...

I know I said I’d send you an email everyday but...would you pick up your phone? Please? Things would be easier this way. I... God I really suck at this whole writing thing and you’re probably going to see it.

I just need to let you know that I don’t regret anything okay? I wanted it as much as you.

And I don’t regret you saying what you said either.

You’re family to me I hope you know that.

 

 

 

Castiel Novak

to Sam Winchester

Hey,

I hope you’ll be happy to know that I’ve saved a life today. It kinda feels good. Well... It’s been one month since we last saw each other... Or something like that. I was thinking of coming downtown on the weekend, catch up with you and my grandma.

It’s okay if you don’t respond to my messages, I just like the idea of you just reading them.

I do hope you’re reading them.

I hope your mom is okay, give her a kiss for me.

 

 

 

Castiel Novak

to Sam Winchester

Happy Birthday!

I can’t believe you’re 18 now. Time really does fly. I will still remember you as that little kid doing everything Dean would dare him to do.

I hope you have a great day, all of my thoughts are with you.

 

 

 

“Sam...have you picked out an outfit yet?”

Sam sighed hearing Mary’s joyful voice but he didn’t bother to answer. He glanced at both of the items she was talking about, both of them neatly folded at the end of his bed. He was supposed to get dressed, pick up Ruby in the freshly cleaned Impala and take her to their prom night, also known as that cheesy party in their old and smelly gymnasium. It was supposed to be the best night of his life and he was supposed to have so much fun. Sam sighed and turned around in his bed, facing the opposite side of the room and mostly looking at the picture on the nightstand.

The frame is broken, Sam remembers tripping in his bedroom, lost, disoriented and dizzy, and mostly wet, his black clothing clinging to his skin. The taste of Castiel still in his mouth as he tripped to his bed, making the picture fall to the ground with his own fall.

Sam bit down on his lower lip, escaping the memory, eyes on the old picture and the crack inside the glass. Dean was of course at the center of it smiling. One arm over Sam, ruffling his hair the way he knew Sam hated it and the other around Castiel, kissing his temple, a smile all over his face. That was just the perfect time, when Dean was 16, careless and free. Castiel was still pretending to be shy just so people would leave him alone and Sam... Sam would just follow them around, making sure to look like an innocent boy in front of Mary’s eyes. She needed that. She was a mother after all. 

But where was that time? Where was it? When did it slip through his fingers and was there a way to get it back? Sam let out another sigh, pushing his hair away from his face. It was longer now, despite Mary’s disapproval and she was begging her son to cut it, for some odd reason Sam didn’t want to. He was just tired. Too tired to live. Too tired to care. So it didn’t really matter what length his hair was, right?

Too tired to live, and mostly too tired to love. His eyes drifted from the picture to his computer. Castiel’s emails. He had read and re-read every single one of them, memorized every word and then just... closed the page and moved on. As easy as that. He just couldn’t face it. Couldn’t face Cas and what he truly felt for him. In a way, with Cas so far and Dean gone, it seemed to be forbidden. Yes, Sam was punishing himself for no reason, acting cowardly because it was easy. Running away because it was easy. Because he wasn’t sure he could hold more pain inside of him, but he was only 18, he didn’t know life, he should be having fun... Sam always had a bitter laugh hearing those sentences. He didn’t even celebrate his birthday this year. Mary ate the cake alone. Because truly and horribly, he felt old, broken, cracked to the bones, only his body was young and if his body could reflect what was inside his mind and soul, he would be nothing more than a limping old man, struggling to walk and to breath.

“Sam? Are you in the shower?”

No. Please. Don’t come in. Sam covered his face with one of his hands, hoping his mother wouldn’t enter his room. With the days it became harder to look her in the eyes, face the green eyes, the familiar smile. And it was his own mother. That wasn’t fair. 

Eventually Mary pushed the door open and Sam could only imagine the disappointed look on her face because his eyes were still closed. 

“Samuel Winchester... What are you still doing in bed? You’re supposed to go in one hour. Sam... Look at me please.”

Her voice was softer as he asked him to look at her and Sam did it, straightening up in the bed to face his mother. She was just...beautiful. Blond hair falling down her shoulders, hands on her hips, slightly frowning.

“I’m not going,” he mumbled, his voice barely audible. 

“What was that? Sam...we talked about this.” She crossed the distance between them, sitting next to her son. Automatically, he turned his head, looking at his feet. It was sad really. There was no escaping this, there was no escaping the love and the warmth that was Mary Winchester, and lately, Sam couldn’t bear it. He held his breath as his mother took his hands.

“Sam... I thought you had a nice girl to pick up and a party to attend.”

“Mom... I don’t really wanna go,” he repeated louder this time. 

“And why is that?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”

It had been Sam’s excuses for the past few months. He wasn’t going out, he wasn’t seeing the few friends he had, didn’t go to his football practice, even refusing to go see Uncle Bobby for the weekend to go fishing. And Sam loved fishing. He just didn’t want to. He spent his night and weekends in Dean’s old bedroom, re-reading Castiel’s emails and...nothing else. 

“Sam... You cannot spend your days inside. You have to do something. Tonight is your night, you only get one prom night and then you’ll go to college and you-” 

Sam didn’t let her finish, standing up, one hand on his face. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t see the future. What he saw in front of him? Nothing more than a blur and something that wasn’t Dean nor was it Cas. And it was scary. He remembered the look on Mary’s face seeing all the acceptance letters Sam got for his early applications. He had done them with Dean, his older brother being proud of having a nerd in the family as he was always putting it. Sam couldn’t do that. He just couldn’t smile. 

“You’re allowed to be happy Sammy...” 

He spun around at the nickname, finally looking at his mother and her sad smile. Because she had managed to say it with Dean’s hint of voice, the right amount of loving and caring. Happy? He had lost the taste the day they buried Dean, thought he could get it with Cas but he just couldn’t do it. He breathed slowly, making his way back to the bed, kneeling in front of Mary and burying his face on her lap.

“I miss him.” 

It was as simple as that and yet, it was too hard to tell, this was why Sam was on his knees right now, vulnerable and weak.

“I miss him too,” whispered Mary stroking her son’s hair.

They remained silent for a while, Sam seriously considering falling asleep right here and now. Why not? He was in his mother’s arms? There were no safer place in the world right now. He could hope and dream right here. He could even die right here.

“I wish... I wish I could bring him back.” Sam mumbled. “That...it was me instead of him. He would have known what to do.”

“Don’t talk nonsense Sam. Losing one son is already enough don’t talk like you’re dead already.”

Was it so obvious? Sam really hoped he could fake it once in a while in front of Mary and she wouldn’t see how hollow he was deep in his insides. He was wasting so much energy pretending, he might as well give up.

“I mean it,” replied the boy, face still hidden from his mother. “He would have known how to carry on. I don’t. I can’t. Don’t ask me to do this.”

Sam was tired of talking now, he had said enough, more than he dared say in months, and it was already too painful, why did he have to say more? Mary seemed to understand because she hadn’t said anything after that. She just kept stroking his hair until he fell asleep.

 

 

  
 

Mary was gone when he woke up in the middle of the night. She had left a note on his nightstand saying she was staying over the Novak’s house tonight. Probably keeping Castiel’s grandmother company. Sam rubbed one hand over his face before stretching, trying to chase sleep away. Once he was awake, he realized that there was some noises downstairs.

It couldn’t be Mary. She wasn’t home.

And to be honest, it didn’t poke Sam’s interest in some kind of way. No. He was more upset because he actually had to get out of his bed, and get downstairs to see what was happening. And as always, or so it seemed lately, Sam let out a deep sigh before he finally got out of his bed, shirt wrinkled, his favorite jeans, one of Dean’s old ones with the holes on both of his knees, and made his way to the stairs with bare feet.

It smelled nice. He realized in the hallway. Actually, it smelled of roast chicken and mashed potatoes, Sam’s favorite meal. And the boy realized how hungry he was just like that. Maybe it was Mary after all, he told himself on the stairs, maybe Mrs. Novak had fallen asleep and she decided to come and make him dinner. Maybe. 

But that wasn’t what waiting for Sam in the kitchen. No, not the blond hair, or the familiar smile of his mother. It was Cas. Yes Castiel, standing in the Winchester’s small kitchen, dressing the table for two. He had his mother’s apron on, over the plaid shirt Sam bought him for his birthday a long time ago, the thing too big for him at the time. It wasn’t that big anymore, it fit Cas perfectly as he was moving in the kitchen, pushing back his glasses on his face from time to time. Oh the glasses... Castiel wasn’t very fond of them and for Sam it was the contrary, it was just another thing making Cas, Cas. That and the blue eyes, the constant mess that his black hair was, his smile...

“Sam! Hey you’re awake. Your mother told me you were sleeping so I wanted to make you a surprise.” 

Castiel’s smile seemed to be glued on his face but it slowly disappeared as he realized that Sam wasn’t moving. No. Sam was standing in the doorframe of the kitchen, frozen. Castiel was in his kitchen. He hadn’t planned for this, he certainly wasn’t ready for this. He had locked Cas and the taste of his lips and the look on his face when Sam told him he loved him at the back of his mind. And now he was here. 

Cas grabbed his hand and Sam jumped at the touch. Simple innocent touch that had Sam dropping his gaze and looking at where their fingers were brushing against each other. It felt real and still Sam really hoped he was dreaming because he was bound to screw this up, because he didn’t know how to act, what to do, how to be Sam. Sam could make Cas really happy, Sam loved Cas. He didn’t know who he was. 

But still Castiel kept rubbing his fingers and it was very distracting, so distracting in fact that without even realizing he’d moved, Sam found himself sitting down at the familiar table, Cas slicing the chicken in front of him. Castiel was talking but Sam couldn’t figure out what he was saying.

“I’m sorry... what?”

“Oh so you’re with me... I was afraid you lost your tongue. I was just asking you how hungry you are.”

“I’m... I’m starving.” Sam mumbled grabbing the bottle of water and pouring some for himself and Castiel. Little things. He could do it.

“You’re always starving Winchester.”

If Castiel was hoping to find a smile as Sam’s answer, he was more than disappointed because Sam just stared at his plate and the food lying here. He didn’t see the sudden sadness cross Castiel’s figure, but it disappeared as soon as it was there. 

“Anyway you can eat... I don’t suppose you want to say grace?”

“No...not really... I mean I do it with mom but... it feels a bit stupid. Dean would find it stupid.”

“Well... I guess she needs something to hold on to right?”

Castiel sat down right in front of him and Sam held his breath for a brief moment. The meaning was more than clear, there was no escaping this. Whether he liked it or not, Sam would have to face Castiel. But Castiel wasn’t the problem. It was the whole idea of loving Cas that was the issue here. Every time he thought of that, it felt like it was raining inside of himself, inside of his lonely heart. He couldn’t find words for that, could he? Instead, Sam chose to grab his fork and to eat. Damn. It was good, he realized a few seconds later, chewing more than happily. He had forgot how great of a cook Cas was. That used to make Dean laugh.

“He’ll make a perfect little wife right Sammy?” He was always saying, always with that smile for Sam. Except that Sam had never known how this was funny, Castiel would make a good husband, Sam was sure of it.

“God you weren’t lying when you said you were hungry...” 

“Hmmm?” 

Sam paused, looking down at his plate. He had almost emptied it in a few bites. Sam shrugged, choosing to remain silent. In fact, they ate in silence. Sam didn’t really feel like talking, still adjusting to the idea of Castiel being here, feeling Castiel’s gaze on him. He wasn’t even eating, he was just...looking at Sam. It was disturbing. Sam wanted to look more than anything. But not now, he waited until he was done, placing his hands over his pants to finally look up.

Castiel was there, one elbow on the table, holding his head with his hand, comforting smile on his face. He had the beginnings of a beard Sam finally noticed, it made him look more mature and also sexier. Castiel was older than him and it was hitting Sam right now, he had always seen them growing old together. But no. Castiel was older than him. He was nothing more than a boy next to a man.

“What... Why are you here Castiel?” Sam’s throat was so dry and for no apparent reason. He suddenly regretted eating that much, fearing his body wouldn’t bear this conversation.

Castiel sighed, letting his hand fall back and he tried to grab one of Sam’s, but Sam drew his hand back this time. No. It was distracting. He needed to think. “To apologize I guess...”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for I shouldn’t... I shouldn’t...”

“What? Say that you love me?”

They were both staring at each other now, Castiel looking a bit angry. Sam just knew it. The way he was sitting rigid in his chair, that frown on his face, that particular blue in his eyes. Sam shrugged again not able to say it.

“You want to take it back Sam?” 

“I...” 

Could he do that? Just take everything back and have it his own way. God if he could... He should have told Castiel he loved him the right and proper way. The good kind of way. He should have hesitated first, maybe have his heart and his blushing betraying a little bit. They should have taken their time and fallen in love with each other sweetly and nicely. There was nothing but cold distance between them and it was different now. Time was broken between them.

“I... I meant every word Cas and you know it. But how I said it, when I said it... It kinda feels all wrong.”

“Well I think I should be the judge of that don’t you think?”

Oh Castiel why don’t you run away from me? Sam wanted to ask that. Where was all this sweetness and tenderness coming from? He was useless, he didn’t know what to say or do, was hesitating on every word, he would rather have had Castiel scream at him and tell him to man up rather than this… This was warm and comforting and in some kind of sick way, Sam wasn’t ready. For whatever it was, it was too much right now. You’re allowed to be happy Sam. Mary’s words. Oh mama but I can’t catch happiness, can I?

“Sam Winchester you’re an idiot. I’m right here, what else do you need?”

“What? I don’t... Cas what...”

Castiel was suddenly on his feet and for no particular reason it made Sam afraid. Was he going to leave right fucking now? Cas must have seen the panic on Sam’s face because he buried one hand in the brown locks. “I really like you hair this way... Longer is really nice.” Castiel threw out very casually before he sat down on Sam’s lap, both of his legs on either side of Sam’s body. Just right here. Burning and living. And he didn’t stop there, oh no he didn’t, because if he stopped right there Sam could have stopped this before they made another mistake, before Castiel actually managed to make Sam believe there was something brighter and better for him out there.

Grabbing both of Sam’s hands, Castiel laced their fingers together, eyes on Sam the whole time like he was trying to prove a point. 

But what point? That Sam just needed one touch, this touch only? Castiel brought their entwined hands up to his face and he kissed Sam’s hand. Light touch but Sam leaned into it, holding his breath, watching Castiel’s lips move all over his skin.

He didn’t leave any corner of the palm untouched, kissing him gently, making his way to Sam’s wrist and then higher. Sam shivered when the mouth was on his forearm, stupid reaction he knew it, he just couldn’t stop to have them while Castiel was doing this. Sam wanted this, every fiber of his being wanted this, he just didn’t know if he had the right to have it, if having Cas wouldn’t mean losing it at some point. Someone would say it was worth trying for this. For the blue eyes and the warm smile. 

“Cas...” Sam breathed slowly, sliding a bit off the chair as the other was licking the skin inside of his elbow.

But that was the problem right? Falling was not the problem. Falling was never the problem. Sam worried about after, Sam was afraid for the future, not even for the future, he was afraid for tomorrow, for what would happen the next hour, for what Castiel would do once he reached his biceps.

“Stop thinking Winchester,” whispered Castiel, moving a bit so their bodies could fit even more together, face against Sam’s, their noses brushing. There was no escaping this. Sam had a lap of Castiel, his smell, his eyes, his glasses getting a bit in the way. “I’m right here Sam. You told me you love me and I’m right here.” 

“You don’t have to say it back you know that right?”

“I know and I don’t think I can at the moment. You were right about one thing.” 

“What?” 

“You have to mean every word. And I have so many to tell you Sam... During the past weeks I was waiting for an answer but then I realized I didn’t need one, because it’s all pretty clear now. I guess I had to see Dean go to figure how very tangible this is. I see people die a lot around me Sam and where I am headed I’m going to see a lot more, but...it’s just not the same.”

Sam understood Cas probably more than he meant to. Watching someone die from afar was one thing, getting involved was another thing. And Dean had been the center point at both of their lives and now that was gone, he was gone, who was to say what was safe now. 

“But I’m here Sam,” repeated Castiel. He used the fact that their fingers were still clinging together to bring Sam’s hands to his hips. “I’m right here.”

And maybe this was all Castiel needed, maybe this wasn’t about who would have the prettiest or most romantic thing to say. This wasn’t a novel, this wasn’t a movie, this was life and it was ugly and it was about who was here and who wasn’t. Because Castiel needed Sam to see him like no one else saw him before and Sam didn’t think anymore, grabbed his face, the face of his own personal angel it seemed and kissed Castiel. 

And he realized how much he missed it, this, how much he needed it. The kiss was so desperate, so quick, so full. Sam taking everything the other had to offer, tongue invading Castiel’s mouth, the other holding on to his shoulder and trying to make it last. Oh this would last, thought Sam, hands quickly moving under Castiel’s shirt to find skin and scratch and just feel. “Oh my god... Sam.” Castiel’s entire body arched into the touch like he couldn’t get enough of it, lips moving against Sam’s as they were stealing each other’s air. 

His glasses were pressing against Sam’s face and it hurt but neither of them stopped. Not this. Not right now. Never this. Sam growled, standing up in one long move still holding Castiel, he put him on the table, stealing some more hungry kisses. Hands found hair, a plate slipped to the floor and broke, legs around waist, curious hands looking for skin and ragged breaths filled the kitchen. It was messy and sloppy and uncoordinated. Not perfect so it felt real.

Sam was trapped between Castiel’s legs, pressing himself into the other man, he wanted to crush him, he wanted so badly to jump inside of him. And Castiel was not helping in any kind of way, moaning and twisting every time Sam dared touch him and kiss him. Sam licked his Adam’s apple and he jolted, heels pressing against Sam’s ass, brushing their bodies together. God, how could he be so hot and yet feel so cold at the same time, Castiel was doing this, with his wicked hands that didn’t stop moving all over his body and that damn mouth of his, always pleading Sam for something, anything... 

“Sam... Please take off your shirt. Please.” Sam didn’t hesitate a bit and it was in fact a difficult thing to do because he had to pull away from Castiel to do that neither one of them wanted that to happen. In the end, there were four hands peeling at the fabric of his shirt and when his skin was finally free, Castiel’s hands were right here, touching, exploring. It felt like no other touch before, Castiel’s hands weren’t soft like a girl’s hand, his hands were telling a story like no other and he was using Sam as the paper to tell it.

Sam liked that idea, liked the idea of Castiel possessing him, so much so that he grabbed his face again and kiss him hard, hands finding Castiel’s hips again and making their bodies slam against each other. So hard, skin against the clothing, feeling they were both men, feeling there was no coming back. “Let’s go to my room.” Sam whispered between kisses.

No hesitation, no talking on the way upstairs, just Castiel holding Sam’s hand and leading the way. It should have been the other way around but Sam was still a boy, he was seeing that clearly right now. It felt weird having Castiel in one of the rooms now. Especially Dean’s room which Sam was now occupying. They’d spent so many nights here before, tonight was so very different, Sam figured as Cas sat down on the bed, both lips red, shirt all wrinkled and glasses not settled on his nose the proper way.

The first thing Sam did was take them off his face, setting them on the nightstand. Cas was already taking off his shirt when Sam turned back to. “No don’t... I mean yes, but... I wanna do it.”

“Oh...” Castiel’s cheeks seemed to be redder right now and Sam kissed both of them before his hands found the buttons of Castiel’s shirt. This time, Sam went slow, it felt so private and so right to be taking Castiel’s clothes off. Again, it wasn’t the first time he would see the other man naked but, Sam realized pushing Castiel against the bed once his shirt was off and his pale skin exposed, this was different. This was Castiel giving himself to Sam. That thought made his breathing very unsteady and for some reason it was also turning him on.

“Sam... You’re thinking again aren’t you? Don’t make me wait too long Winchester.” There was a longing in Castiel’s voice like he had wanted this his whole life. 

“I won’t.” responded Sam not knowing where this sudden confidence came from. But he was right here, against Castiel’s skin and he couldn’t help it as his tongue traced his stomach, making his way down. 

“Sam... please...” moaned Castiel between two pants. 

Sam could understand that he was tired of the teasing, that he was tired of waiting. He could understand, being there himself. So he just took the rest of Castiel’s clothes off, leaving the other man completely naked, lying there, all real and exposed against his covers. Real, yes, it wasn’t a dream. Castiel was here, his eyes looking down at Sam, chest moving quickly as he was doing his best to steady his breathing. 

And Sam took a full minute to look over Castiel’s body, his eyes memorizing absolutely everything, how pale his skin really was, the way his nipples looked really appealing, how Sam could see his hipbones and how he wanted to lick them. Sam did just that, leaning and sucking the skin over the bone, Castiel twisting his body, skin brushing against the sheets just so he could have more. “ _Sam_... Please...” Sam made his way up trailing kisses all over Castiel’s skin, one on his stomach, another one much longer over his nipple, a lick on his clavicle and finally he was there, breathing heavily, face against Castiel’s. 

“Have you ever...” Sam trailed off, feeling more than ridiculous asking the question out loud. 

“Yes... But never like this. You?” 

“Never. I’m...”

Sam meant to say he was waiting for the right moment, the right person but it never came. Which is why Dean would mock him, attesting his brother needed to get some. Sam was not uncomfortable with sex. He just didn’t want to ruin his first time.

“Sam do you want me?” Cas asked, breaking as always his train of thoughts.

It actually made Sam smile, a soft smile that was almost the beginning of one of his infamous grins. Almost. How could Castiel ask something like that? Especially right now. He was there, half naked, over Castiel’s naked body, hands itching with the need to touch, heart beating fast, right here and now, he was alive, he was secure and protected, he was loved. He was not running away from this.

“God yes.” Sam finally breathed. 

“Then...just... Well first of all you have too many clothes on,” complained Castiel, with the cutest expression Sam had ever seen in his life.

“Okay fine let’s do something about that first.” Sam mumbled before he rolled over on Castiel’s side, lying on the bed too, head turned to one side, taking off his pants. It became more difficult once Castiel’s lips found his own and he kissed him. Slowly, tongue gently licking both of his lips too, before Sam, hands pulling his zipper down, moaned into the kiss, opening his mouth. He struggled a bit, pulling his pants and underwear down, kissing Castiel back, twisting his neck just so he could have more and deepen the kiss. 

Castiel pulled away before it got more intense and Sam yelped and soon he was panting, lips forming a perfect “o,” one of Castiel’s hands over his cock, gently stroking. “God Cas...” He grabbed the other man’s waist with one of his big arms, bringing him closer, feeling Castiel’s hot skin against his and his tight fist around his length, caressing the perfect way. It was slow and gentle but enough to get the most elicit sounds from Sam. The boy had his eyes half closed and he wasn’t even realizing all the noises he was making. Sam rocked his hips gently into Castiel’s palm, wanting to get there, to get off, needing it so badly. Sam was so hard he couldn’t even see or think past anything that wasn’t Castiel, and he bit his lower lip, not wanting to end all of this too soon.

“We need...a...fuck...condom.” He pointed out very poorly, moaning against Castiel’s shoulder, the other hand still making him see stars.

“Back pocket of my jeans.” Castiel answered very quickly. “Wait... I’ll...” In an instant Castiel was gone and when he positioned himself over Sam, the boy couldn’t help but moan seeing the condom in his hands. He had planned this, he was giving himself willingly to Sam, he was jumping in too. Yeah, maybe falling wasn’t so bad after all and if Cas was right there holding his hand, landing will probably be good. 

Castiel opened the wrapper with hesitant hands and with the same shaky fingers he placed the condom. Sam hissed, standing up a little so he was sitting on the bed now, Castiel on top of him. They kissed again, all the urgency suddenly back on. Right here and now was there moment and Sam was glad to feel Castiel shivering against him, he wasn’t the only one afraid or insecure. He knew the mechanics but he didn’t know how much he would get involved, how much he would be lost, how much he will lose and what he would gain. This was scary, not knowing how your heart and soul would react. The body was one thing but the rest was just plain scary.

“How do you want to do this?” Sam asked, fingertips ghosting over Castiel’s spine. The other moaned a bit, pressing his forehead against Sam, eyes so blue and so deep. Sam could see every shape of blue inside of them. Right now they were ink blue, almost black.

“I’m fine just like this, if you don’t mind.” 

“No I... Gosh Cas I really don’t know if...”

“Hey don’t freak out on me.” Castiel gave him a quick kiss on the lips, arms around Sam’s neck right now, ass brushing against the tip of Sam’s erect cock. “We’re doing this slowly and we’re going to... Here give me your hand.” 

What Castiel did next was just pure torture, slipping Sam’s fingers inside of his mouth and sucking. God, every single one of his moves seemed to send a wave of pleasure all over Sam’s body, moving his heart in the nicest way. Once Sam’s fingers felt numb and were all slippery, Castiel guided them slowly to his ass. Sam understood what was happening right there. It was much better than any cheap porn Dean made him watch to make him educated. Castiel was just temptation and it was hard to believe he was the innocent one when he spread his ass cheeks open, letting Sam’s fingers trace the inside of his ass. They both moaned at the contact and Sam kept exploring, eyes glued on Castiel’s face, gauging his every reaction. Castiel gave a happy sigh as he kept moving and he jumped slightly, one hand finding Sam’s hair and pulling hard, when Sam’s thumb gently traced his hole.

“Come on Sam, please, please do it...” Castiel begging was the hottest thing in the universe and Sam couldn’t deny him anything and he just gave in, slipping one finger slowly inside of Castiel. Castiel made another sound, coming from deep inside, and it scared Sam a bit as he fell onto his shoulder, but Castiel was just licking his skin as his hips started rocking gently against Sam’s finger. Getting off on it, Sam could tell by the way Castiel’s own erection was brushing against his stomach. “Oh more, please, more, more.”

“Yes, don’t... I got you.” One finger became two and soon it was three, Sam’s hands moving pushing inside of Cas, the other pushing him back down, trying to have more. God, he was incredible, moaning and twisting Sam’s hair, ass clenching around Sam’s fingers like he couldn’t quite get enough of it. And Sam was doing that, making Castiel scream like this, be this hard, cursing and moaning, and just being the most beautiful thing in his world right now. Sam was making him alive and burning, his other hand over Cas’ hips, helping him get more leverage so the fingers would go so much deeper inside of him.

“God... Can’t wait. Need you. Please.” 

As soon as Castiel moaned the words, Sam’s fingers were slowly pulling out of him, leaving him empty. But the moment Castiel positioned himself right above Sam, that one particular moment, it seemed to last forever, it seemed to break time itself because Castiel’s eyes landed on Sam and his expression was just so honest, so real, it felt better than being hit on the face, it felt better than learning someone’s else secret. This was Castiel, his Cas.

One of Castiel’s hands was on Sam’s shoulder, with the other, he grabbed Sam’s cock, slowly and gently guiding it to where they both needed. The tension was so intense, Sam was sure it could kill him. But he didn’t move, and he was in fact holding his breath, something he realized seconds later as he was finally inside of Castiel.

God. It truly felt like he could die in here. It was too hot and Castiel’s ass was so tight around him, it was too much. But Sam’s hands came to help Castiel push himself down and soon, half of Sam’s length was inside of him, both of their sweaty chests pressed against one another, Castiel’s erection trapped between their bodies. 

“Gosh... I can’t believe we...fuck..”

Sam couldn’t believe it either, which was why his eyes were glued to the precise spot his cock was slowly disappearing into Cas. He was going inside of Castiel, breaking him, making more room for himself. Fuck. He kissed Castiel hard at that thought and the other moaned, finally sitting down on Sam’s lap, full of Sam’s cock.

They exchanged a kiss, Castiel’s hands travelling all over his body like he couldn’t get enough of him, but this was crazy right?. He was here, right inside of Castiel, trapped forever, thinking he could die. That wasn’t the end of it though because Castiel, opening his eyes, moved.

“Oh my... Cas!’ Sam was left breathless, pleasure rushing through his system as he was trying so hard to hold on, to...to what? He couldn’t. Castiel had started moving his hips up and down, yanking himself up and down on Sam’s cock, getting of on it, grinding slowly and gently, Sam’s cock pulsating inside of him. God. There were no words and Sam was moaning at every single one of Castiel’s moves.

There was no rhythm, there was nothing gentle about what Castiel was doing right now and Sam couldn’t get less. It wasn’t romantic or gentle, this was just hard and brutal, their bodies slamming against each other every time Castiel went down, tearing a scream from both of them.

“Gosh... So fucking big and...” Castiel rested his head on Sam’s shoulder, hips still moving, slowly this time, Sam’s cock ramming his insides. It felt wonderful to be inside of Castiel. This was just so hot and so excruciating, Sam wondered why he never thought of doing this before, he could spend hours like this, just like this, inside of Castiel. His arms found the other’s waist, holding him right here, moaning, lips pressed against Cas’ hair, he growled as his hands found Castiel’s ass, pressing, both of them making that sound when they found out that Sam could go deeper.

Yes, he could break Castiel into so many pieces and the other would let him. Yes, he would let him do that, he was actually begging for it. Sam never had so much power over someone. And he realized, no one ever had so much power over him either. He growled again and in one quick motion, Castiel found himself pressed against the bed, Sam’s weight on him.

“Fuck, yes, yes, yes, Sam, yes.” Castiel pleaded, nails grazing on Sam’s skin, finding sweat and muscles and pressing harder.

But Sam wasn’t thinking anymore. Just feeling. Just feeling that he was losing himself in Castiel. That there wasn’t anything past Castiel. Just moving his hips hard and fast, thrusting into Cas, as hard as he could, not holding back anymore. He even lean in to bite Castiel’s shoulder, desperately moving against him, above him and inside of him. It was too much. It was too much that Castiel was letting him do all these things. Maybe it was because their bodies were perfect together, or because Sam was too brutal and in so deep, deeper into Castiel... 

His own release hit him like a wave, felt like every single cell of his body was electrified at the same time. “Fuck.” Sam was whispering the other’s name as he came, still moving inside of him, body not yet satisfied. He opened his eyes and met Castiel’s face, mouth half open and head falling to one side, only to realize the other was coming too, spreading himself against both their skins. Sam moaned because the other had come untouched, just because Sam was inside of him.

The next minutes felt like a total blur, Sam’s body feeling suddenly very heavy. He moved in time so he wouldn’t collapse on Castiel, but next to him instead. Castiel didn’t seem very happy about this because he rushed to Sam’s side, putting his legs over Sam’s. He took the condom off Sam’s skin knowingly and threw it away before resuming his position between Sam’s arms.

Both of them breathing slowly, looking at the ceiling. They remained silent and Sam was glad. He didn’t see anything more to add. Making love to Cas was something no one could ever take away from him. 

“Hey Sam?”

“You do realize you lost your virginity on prom night?”

There was another pause before they both laughed. And for Sam it was the first time since... Since Dean’s funeral.

Really. Cas did make a difference.

 

 

Sam awoke around 3 am in the morning because of a car passing by. He opened his eyes very quickly, rubbing one hand over his face and as he was on his elbows, he wondered why he was so hot and why he was naked. The answer was found very quickly as Castiel mumbled something in his sleep, rubbing his jaw against Sam.

He hadn’t dreamed it.

Sam let out a sigh, one of relief, as he resumed his position in the bed, right next to Castiel, head turned towards the man, their noses brushing. He was glad he hadn’t just dreamt it. It would have been so cruel otherwise. Castiel was there, and maybe it would have been stupid to say that Sam felt better than he did in months, it was much more complicated.

He just felt alive and not useless anymore. Castiel could make him feel important with a simple smile. Sam was so beyond the point of knowing if what he felt for Castiel was reciprocated or not, Cas giving him something to hold on to a little bit longer and it was already enough. What did it matter if he couldn’t say I love you back when he was here proving to Sam that he shouldn’t give up that easily. Maybe all of him wasn’t buried with Dean that day.

Sam’s lips twitched into a smile, still looking at Castiel sleeping. One of his fingers retraced the shape of Castiel’s nose and Sam chuckled when he saw Castiel frowning, one hand slightly rising to push him away. Sam’s finger went lower, to Castiel’s neck, feeling his pulse. Then gently he rubbed against one of his nipples. Castiel’s skin was just so soft, and he looked so happy, so rested and content. And here Sam naively thought he knew Castiel by heart. He already knew the man was loving and caring, even if sometimes there was a cold expression on his face, especially when his family was mentioned.

Sam remembered Castiel’s first days in town, being a kid himself, it was the first time he had seen another little boy looking so wounded and afraid. That expression should have belonged to an adult’s face, and Sam could understand why Dean was all about talking to the new kid in town one afternoon. At first Castiel didn’t talk, Dean was the one doing the talking. But he was smiling, so it was enough.

“Hmmm... Winchester stop it.” Cas moaned when Sam was applying pressure with his fingers where he knew Castiel was very ticklish.

“Didn’t do anything,” pretended Sam, kissing Castiel’s nose.

Castiel opened his eyes very slowly, they looked so blue and almost unreal in the semi darkness of the room, before he had a slight smile. “My ass... What time is it anyway?” Castiel’s voice sounded broken, like he had spent his entire life smoking cigarettes. He hadn’t. He did on the other hand scream Sam’s name at the top of his lungs a few hours ago. Sam would never forget that sound, if he could collect it and put it in a box he would, along with Dean’s smile, his father infamous handshake and the way Mary used to laugh at them when they were little and coming back home all covered in mud. 

“3 am.” Sam finally answered, mentioning to the clock on his nightstand.

Castiel made another sound that didn’t go unnoticed, before he rolled on the top of Sam, reminding him that they were both still naked and that he had Castiel’s body not so long ago. God, it would drive Sam crazy, wouldn’t it? Knowing how perfectly they fit together, even more that two pieces of a puzzle, that urgency suddenly taking over when he was inside of Castiel. It would probably kill him. Skin against skin, eyes peering into eyes, Castiel kissed him and Sam was done, not even thinking twice before rolling them over, so he was on the top of Castiel, kissing him back softly and gently, hair getting in the way, Castiel’s hands on Sam’s shoulders, their erections gently brushing against each other.

“God Sam...” Castiel breathed more than awake now. “We shouldn’t... I mean...” He was trying to speak between kisses but Sam wasn’t letting him have the opportunity. Who knew how many times he had left before the sun came up? No more wasting time, no more questions, thought Sam, his lips hard against Castiel’s.

“Wait... Sam...”

He paused for a moment, breathing hard, looking at s into Castiel’eyes. Castiel smiled, grabbing Sam’s face with both hands.

“I’m not going to disappear. And since we’re both awake can we just...lay down here and talk?”

“Yeah I’m sorry it’s just... I’m sorry.” Sam repeated, falling into Castiel’s arms.

He had his head over Castiel’s chest, hearing his heart, his whole body probably crushing Castiel’s. He should move to find a more comfortable position but Castiel held him right there, both arms circling Sam in a warm embrace. Sam could have stayed here, trapped forever.

“Do you have to go in the morning?” He whispered, almost too ashamed to ask the question and mostly, too ashamed to be afraid of the answer. 

“Yes.” 

“Stay over until lunch please... Mom would be happy if she could cook for the two of us, you can even invite your grandma.” 

Sam was hiding himself behind that whole sentence alone, nose brushing against Castiel’s face. Cas probably felt it because he tightened his grip on him, Sam holding his breath for a brief moment. If he could disappear here and now into Castiel and never come back, never see the light of the day on his own, but through Castiel’s eyes maybe...

“I’ll stay Sam, I’ll stay.”

“Thank you.” 

“Oh no need to thank me, I’m only staying for the food.”

“How nice of you...”

“I am? Aren’t I?”

They were both laughing by now, bodies shaking against each other. Sam even had his eyes half closed because of how good he felt. 

“No but seriously I have to go back and work for a big test, which will kinda determine whether or not I can be an official doctor and no longer be considered as a student.” Castiel explained in a sigh, yawning at the end of his sentence. 

“Wow... That seems like a pretty big deal. But I know you. You’re going to be a real doctor in no time.” 

Castiel had a smile before he kissed the top of Sam’s head, holding him in somehow tighter. It warmed Sam’s heart, really, he found it comforting and loving and he didn’t want to be anywhere else right now. 

“Speaking of tests...” Cas broke the silence, clearing his throat. “I saw all those acceptance letters lying around the kitchen and the living room. You really got accepted into all those colleges?”

Sam shrugged, to be honest, Mary had been the one opening the letters. Sam had just sat there, a fake smile on his lips, pretending to care and to be interested. College really did seem like a big joke right now. As if Sam would leave town and leave his mother alone? 

“It’s no biggie.”

“No biggie? Sam you should be proud of yourself... I mean, I am, and your mum and D-” There was another pause during which Sam closed his eyes, feeling his heart literally twitch, physically impossible someone would say but Sam felt it. Dean would have been proud? Probably. But Dean wasn’t there, not right now, not in this reality. “You should be proud Sam, I mean it... You already picked a university?”

“No... Didn’t really think about it.” 

“Well... I saw that you were accepted to Georgetown... That’s not far away from the hospital I basically spend my life in... So maybe you could come over and we could be roomies.” The end of Castiel’s sentence was actually a whisper, like he was ashamed to ask and it made Sam laugh. It made him sad and yet he was chuckling. Because he couldn’t say yes to that. He could easily picture himself living with Castiel, waking up to the sounds of Castiel making breakfast in his pajamas, drinking coffee while watching him, going to his classes and thinking about Cas all day and having the urge to go back home to tell him all about his day and his classes. And yet, Sam knew well he couldn't do it, he couldn't have that. Even if some part of him had wished for that a long time ago, he wasn't that Sam anymore.

He didn't know who he was either but he needed to figure it out on his own. Without Dean and, sadly, without Castiel. Sam needed some time on his own. However how could he say that? He didn't want to push Castiel away and yet, it felt selfish to ask the other one to wait for him. Because people couldn't just stop being who they were just for his own sake, his mum had to move on, Castiel had a big bright and shiny future ahead of him. Life was going on, and for once since Dean's funeral, he wanted to be a part of it. 

Sam took a deep breath before he moved away, breaking their embrace, going on his elbow just so he could look right into Castiel's eyes. He could tell the man regretted asking, but it was out there now, lingering between them. It was as simple as that and Sam couldn't just pretend he hadn't heard it. 

"Cas I..."

"It's okay Sam," interrupted Cas, briefly looking away. "You don't have to say yes. It's just... That was once my plan you know. All of us, in college, leaving together." When Castiel looked at him again, Sam saw for the first time how all of this was affecting him. It was the first time he was seeing it, he had been selfish. Dean just disappeared from Sam's life, Castiel missed him too. He missed his best friend too.

Were Sam and Cas about to grow apart? Maybe for now it seemed. Sam gulped, his face so close to Castiel and their forearms still touching but still, Cas felt far away. He couldn't quite say it yet. It really felt like he was about to shut a door... Yeah, shut one on Castiel's face. Maybe not say goodbye forever but just for a little while. Would they be okay on their own? Sam was afraid he would be the first one to break. He was dreading that moment more than anything else.

"Cas... Look. I think... Unconsciously maybe, I've been thinking about... About my life, how it’s going to be later and..." 

"And?” Cas asked, tilting his head. He looked so innocent like that, lips half parted and his hair a mess, his eyes a blue so deep Sam was sure he could and would fall into them.

"And I came to the conclusion that... There are some things that need to be done. That I need to do on my own."

"I get it Sam." 

"No you don't. Please... Just... I have to finish what Dean started."

"Which is? Oh no... Sam no!"

Sam knew the alarming tone, Castiel didn't use it very often but Sam had already heard it. Castiel reacted the same way when Dean announced to the both of them, his best friend and his baby brother what he was going to do after high school. "I'm joining the army!" He had declared with a proud smile on his face. Sam wasn't that surprised because it had always been John's dream to see one of his boys in the army, just like him, and it was just something Dean felt like he needed to do. Like the whole legacy of their family was resting on his shoulders alone. Sam had never understood that feeling when he was younger, always looking at Dean with a dark look whenever their father was mentioned. Sam loved John but he didn't have the same admiration for the man that Dean used to have. Sam remembered a man struggling between his family and his old past glory, talking about a way his son would never know, talking like he was dead already. And now, years later, Sam was thinking… No, not thinking, he was joining the army. That was it.

"Sam no. You don't have to do this. You think your mother is going to... No. That's..."

Castiel wasn't screaming but it was worse in fact. Sam would have much preferred him screaming and kicking instead of this. Just cold words and the saddest look over his features. Just because of Sam. Yes, it was the same face which was twisted in pleasure a few hours ago, those same lips begging for something else. Sam sighed before he moved again, sitting on the bed, his back facing Castiel. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the right thing to do, no matter how much he loved Cas or how much he wanted his and Castiel's life to be one, there was this thing he needed to do first. 

"Sam, please look at me, tell me you're not... God you're serious about this aren't you?"

If Sam could open his mouth right now, he would say he was sorry. Sorry for all the troubles he caused, sorry for the despair in Castiel's voice, because if he could take back his I love you, maybe he would. He’d bury the words deep inside himself, so they could never see the light of the day, and never make Castiel hope. Because that was it wasn't it? He had given Castiel hope and now he was just the greedy creature taking that hope away. He was sorry because his mama didn't raise him that way, sorry because that wasn't like him to be that selfish. Selfish was a big word because he was thinking about Dean doing so.

"Sam..."

Oh I'm sorry Castiel.

There was another move behind him, the sounds of some covers moving and next thing Sam knew, Castiel's chest was pressed against his back, the other's face on his shoulder, Castiel's arms over his. He closed his eyes and said nothing as Castiel was trailing kisses all over his skin, the touches so light and yet burning. Having said what he wanted out loud seemed to make him a new man and it seemed harder to just turn around and press his lips against Castiel's or make love to him again.

"You're really sure about this?" Castiel was whispering right inside of his ear now, lacing their fingers together. Sam brought both of their hands to his face and kissed Castiel's palm.

"I'm sure."

"Then who am I to stop you? I should have known from the start, you Winchester boys never listen anyway." 

Sam smiled. "And even if you knew, I'm sure it wouldn't have stopped you." 

"Am I that transparent?" 

"You're not, I just know you too damn well." 

 

Dear Castiel,

You're probably wondering why on Earth I'm writing you a letter, it's weird right? It just seemed better than an email and I don't know, more formal. Anyway, I hope you had a good summer and again, congratulations on your test result. I bet being a real doctor keeps you occupied, right?

My summer has been pretty quiet. I accompany Mom to church, work for Bobby at the garage... Speaking of garage? You'll never guess what we finally got a hold of? The impala. Yes. Dean's Impala. The army sent it to us a few days ago and I swear I never saw mom smile that much. And I can tell you, the car made quite an impression in town, some people even thinking Dean himself was back. I bet Dean laughed hard seeing that, wherever the hell he is right now.

I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. There's nothing much I can say about it, and honestly I really don't think I'm supposed to talk about it. Mom reacted better than I thought when I announced it to her and Bobby just gave me one of his knives saying I would need it.

I guess this is it.

I hope I get to see you soon

Love

Sam.

 

 

_Some years later_

After all that time, driving the impala still felt weird. But, there had been a real smile on Sam's lips when they had handed him his belongings and among them were the car keys. It had been a real smile on his face. Even brighter than the one he had on his face when he was receiving a few compliments such as "good job Winchester", which were very rare.

The impala belonged to a past he longed for and yet knew he could never have again, but finally driving the car again, Sam truly felt like kid all over again. He could hear Dean's instructions as he was teaching him how to drive, along with his threat, the older Winchester claiming that if Sam hurt his baby he would pay, and there’d been Castiel in the back seat chuckling and telling Dean to relax.

"He's doing fine Dean. Aren't you Sammy?"

Looking at the mirror, Sam saw nothing but the empty backseat and his own reflection in the glass. He sighed knowing too well how he looked. He looked old, he looked tired and used. His hair was shorter than ever, barely a few inches and black on his head, his eyes seemed to have lost that little precious spark and they just looked like sad brown eyes, he was taller and bigger, had some muscles in new places and his hands... His hands felt rough and they alone showed how Sam had changed and how he had changed for good. Especially knowing that in a few days he would.... 

"No need to think about that Sammy..." Talking to himself became a habit over the past few months. If you'd ask Sam, he would have probably answered that he was doing fine. On the contrary of most of his... What could he call them? The other boys. The other recrutes that joined the army with them. They weren't really friends, except for Gabriel, but that was only because he had been very welcoming with Sam from the start and honestly, Sam couldn't help but ask him on a daily basis what the hell he was doing in the army? Gabe was no fit for the job. And as it turned out, Sam was. Yes, surprisingly and quickly, he had found his place in the army and how to survive as Gabe was putting it. It was easy, following orders and pretending to be interested was easy, and secondly, Sam had always been good at learning whatever it was. 

Sam opened the window, letting the air inside and he turned on the radio, humming to some songs he didn't know. He was glad he had a few days off before going back into the weird and particular atmosphere that was the army. It was just like... Being trapped into another universe with his own code and his own politics and just being one little piece of this whole machine. He felt weird, Sam was really discovering the world all over again. They had given him some clothes that weren't his but were the only ones that could fit. An old pair of jeans and a plaid shirt, the boots the only things belonging to him.

Sam was surrounded by everything new so he was getting back to the old things. So he was heading to Castiel's apartment. Having his address was pretty easy, Mary gave it to him. They hadn't exchanged letters or e-mails during the past few years and Sam was okay with that, he figured out that Castiel was busy on his own and him, it wasn't like he wanted to have any access to the outside world. This was what he had wanted, nobody forced his hand, he had wanted to be all alone, on his own.

But what would Sam find? He had no idea. Maybe Castiel wouldn’t even want to see him, maybe Castiel had forgotten all about him, maybe he had moved on... All of those were excuses and probably a good reason for Sam to run away. He just had to be really honest with himself, he wanted to see Castiel. He really wanted to see the other man, probably more than he would ever admit to himself. That thought in mind, Sam pressed the pedal, driving faster. 

It took him a couple hours and a few stops, mainly to eat, to get there. He also called his mom, so pleased to hear her voice that he let her ramble on and on about her daily basic activities, the stuff that Sam usually found boring. It just wasn’t anymore, he just needed to hear it.

Anyway, he parked his car right in front of a building, in the center of the town. He was lucky some old lady was coming out so Sam just held the door for her, mumbling a “it’s nothing ma’am, sure I can’t help you a little bit more?” before he went inside. Castiel was living on the third floor. Sam was nervous by the time he got inside of the elevator, rubbing his sweaty palms on the borrowed jeans. It was ridiculous to feel this nervous, and yet, Sam jumped a little bit when the elevator made that sound, clearly indicating that he had arrived. Nervous wasn’t even covering it. 

“Come on Sammy... Get a grip.” He whispered, stepping outside the doors.

He found the number 330 pretty quickly. Too quickly. He actually stared at the door for... what? Ten minutes. He was kinda scared. He didn’t know what was on the other side of this door. He had told Castiel to move on, to keep going without him, and right now, just for a few days, for a few hours, Sam wanted to be part of Castiel’s life, all over again. Could he do that? Barge into Castiel’s life just like that. It seemed selfish. 

Sam took a deep breath, ready to knock on the door. In fact, his fist was raised into the air when the door opened itself. Revealing a young woman with red hair. She offered Sam a smiled, opening the door wider.

“Hi can I help you sir?” 

“Hmm... I think I’m at the wrong address, I’ll just...” 

“Wait no! You’re here to see Castiel, right?”

How could she know? The words almost escaped Sam’s mouth but he realized how rude it would have been and instead he just nodded. 

“It’s okay he’s here. Castiel! Someone for you!” She said a little bit louder, turning her head. She then faced Sam again, smiling. “He should be down in a minute. I’m Anna by the way, Castiel’s roommate.” She extended her hand and Sam shook it, finally finding his voice, so glad that she was just Cas’roommate and nothing else. 

“I’m Sam the...” Well that was weird, he really didn’t know how to qualify himself. Sam the best friend? The brother? The one who pushed Castiel away? Difficult to say. But he didn’t have to because as soon as he said his name Anna’s face lit up.

“Sam as in the Sam Winchester? So glad to finally meet you, Castiel talks about you all the time. You’re in the army right? 

Sam was the one surprised now, there were so many things he wanted to ask, first of all was Cas really talking about him all the time, meaning he wasn’t really mad at him and maybe he missed him. That was before he looked up and met the so familiar blue eyes. It was Castiel, his Cas, and truly. He looked breathtaking. He had gone a bit taller too and his hair seemed a little bit longer but it was still a black mess on the top of his head. But mostly, it was the smile on his face when he saw Sam.

That was the one thing that made Sam believe that maybe it was okay to come here after all, maybe Castiel hadn’t forgotten all about him. That he did count and he was important. 

“Hey Cas you didn’t tell me Sam was in town...”

Castiel made his way to them, to him, at first very hesitant, like he couldn’t actually believe Sam was right here, in his doorstep, but in the end, he was rushing to Sam; almost running and Sam gasped when Castiel just threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around Sam’s neck and hugging him. His own arms found Castiel’s waist in a second and he closed his eyes, holding him right there. Brutal and harsh, that was what their embrace was about, Castiel was right there, burning and hot, just right there. 

Exactly what Sam needed.

Castiel was the first one to break the embrace, Sam so not ready to let go, facing him. He opened his mouth and then closed it, laughing and then hugged Sam again, burying his head into the Winchester’s neck. Sam laughed too, realizing there was nothing good he could say. The embrace alone was sufficient and enough. Enough to say how much he missed Cas, how much he missed his smell, the way he felt pressed against him... Not to mention the smile, oh that smile, he would think about it every time he would go to bed, replay to himself the sweet memories of him, Castiel and Dean all sleeping in the same bed and pretending to be astronauts. The embrace was enough. 

Actually it was Anna, who cleared her throat and made Sam realize how long he had been standing there, holding on to Castiel. The other man gave a sigh before he pulled away from Sam, staying close. 

“I’m sorry, Anna this is Sam, Sam this is Anna.”

She chuckled, like she knew it was costing Castiel a lot to say this.

“Actually we already made the introductions, but whatever... So I’ll just go to the grocery store and let you guys catch up.” 

“Yeah, we’re gonna do just that,” replied Castiel, eyes gazing into Sam’s again. There was just so much in his eyes, so much he had miss and so many new things he hadn’t yet seen. If Sam wasn’t sure he loved Castiel before he knew he was more than absolutely sure right now, there was no mistaking in what he felt right now, seeing and having Castiel this close to him. 

“Okay then I’m off, nice seeing you Sam. I hope you stick around for a while.” 

Sam honestly didn’t see Anna go, eyes only for Castiel. Once they were finally alone, Castiel spoke again. 

“Sorry for attacking you.” He whispered, pressing his chest against Sam’s, fingers playing with the buttons of Sam’s shirt, more than tempting and oh so distracting. How was he doing that? That was totally unfair, reminding Sam how badly he missed those lips, especially kissing them and how wonderful it was to be inside of Castiel. Owning him. Claiming him. Over and over again and leaving him breathless.

“You don’t have to apologize for that you know, I really don’t mind.” Was Sam’s reply, his voice weak.

“Oh it speaks, for a moment I thought I lost you there.”

Slowly and gradually they were moving, still looking at each other. Sam’s hands found Castiel’s hips and he hold him right there while Castiel’s fingers were tracing the bit of hair he had left on his skull, the man probably not used to seeing Sam with his hair so short. They were slowly and gently falling into each other and Sam was okay with that. He knew why he was here, he knew what he had to say, he knew what he had to do, just like he knew it wasn’t an easy thing to say or do, but as always he would take his time.

“Lost me? Trust me you never will.” Sam reminded him as Castiel’s hands were on his shoulders right now, palming the shirt. He was probably trying to see if he could find his Sam in there. But hey it’s me, wanted to say Sam, I didn’t change, I’m still the same little boy who used to follow you and his big brother because you guys meant the world to me and you still do. Hey this is me, please love me like you used to, please love me because this feels real, this feels right.

“Oh I know Winchester, it’s one of the things I like about you, you just keep on coming.”

 “Always.”

In the next moment, they were kissing. Slow and deep, Castiel pressing all his weight into Sam and Sam holding him right there, strong and firm arms around his waist, palms cupping his ass. Castiel shivered against him and Sam deepened the kiss, tongue slowly sliding against Castiel’s. It just felt like being home but only better. Castiel tasted familiar and new, there was coffee in his scent and something else, and it was driving Sam crazy.

Even more with the way Castiel was already twisting against him, like he had been waiting for this, exactly and precisely this all these years. Something only Sam could provide. Only Sam. Just Sam.

“We should...god we should go inside. I doubt my neighbors will appreciate this.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

The awkwardness of seeing each other after a very long time seemed to be gone and now it was just good old Castiel holding his hand and leading the way. Sam should have taken a moment to appreciate his surroundings but his eyes were on Castiel’s shoulders, all over Castiel’s body, watching the way the man moved. He moved differently, it was new and Sam liked it. Probably more than he should have. 

Finally Castiel opened the door of his bedroom. Castiel spun around and just kissed him again, more than starving this time, licking and lapping every corner of Sam’s mouth, hands already tugging at Sam’s shirt. 

Sam felt dizzy, dizzy with Cas, dizzy with the need of to be inside of Castiel, right now, as if he was about to die if he didn’t. It was just so strange, he didn’t need this when he woke up this morning, Castiel was just going down and taking everything primal and urgent about him and making it real. 

“No foreplay,” whispered Castiel against his lips, taking off his shirt. Sam moaned, frozen on the spot, so glad to finally see that pale skin. “I don’t think I’m able to wait much longer... And you wanna know why Sam?” Castiel was just peeling the rest of his clothing away, Sam watching him in awe, taking in everything new. Castiel had gained some weight and seemed less skinny than a few years ago, he had a scar on his elbow and...

“Cas...” Sam moaned finding his voice again when he the latter was suddenly naked and hard in front of him. Sam didn’t think anymore, taking his own clothes off with his shaky fingers.

“I fucking need you Sam. Inside of me. Now.” It shouldn’t have sound insanely hot, Castiel begging with that grave voice of his. It shouldn’t have affected him like this, Castiel suddenly pressing his naked body against Sam’s, despair in his eyes and in his voice. The next moment Sam was kissed by rough and hard lips and then he was on the bed, his body covering Castiel. He didn’t know how or why they moved, he was okay with everything. he was fine with everything as long as he could have Castiel. 

And he would have it very soon because Cas didn’t even bother getting him naked at all, he seemed to be content with Sam having his shirt open and he opened the other’s pants enough just so he could take out his cock. Sam gave a growl, forehead pressed against Castiel, harder than he had been in months. Jerking off in the shower was nothing compared to Castiel’s hands around his length, giving him exactly what he needed with hard and long strokes. 

“God... I can’t...we should go slow...and...” Castiel bit his lower lip and Sam lost it, kissing him hungrily, hands travelling all over the naked and hot body. Castiel was pushing, because he wanted Sam to stop thinking and just give it to him.

“Please. Please. Need you. Now Sam, please.” 

Sam’s heart was about to explode in his chest, he felt it beating so fast as he spun Castiel around in one rough move, pinning him to the bed. 

“Yes, yes, yes, yes...” Castiel was chanting, writhing and pushing his hips against Sam. Jesus fuck. Sam didn’t even touch him and he already felt like liquid fire underneath his fingers, already moaning. 

“Is this what you want?” Sam asked, teasing Castiel a little bit more, pressing his chest against the other’s back, lacing their fingers together and licking Castiel’s ear. The other gave another moan, dirtier and hotter than the ones before, turning his head as far as he could just so he could look at Sam. 

“Please Sam.”

Just like that, Sam was tired of foreplay too, he decided they’d waited long enough and in one hard move, he impaled Castiel with his cock, stretching him open in the process. One of his hands tangled with Castiel’s, the other one inside his hair, pulling hard. Castiel made a sound, half pleasure, half pain but Sam wasn’t stopping. He was too far gone, was breaking Castiel to pieces if he had to.

He was out the minute he was inside, fucking Castiel hard and fast, moaning every time he felt the tight muscles around his cock and growling at the way Castiel’s hips were following the movement like he couldn’t get enough of it. “More...more please.” Castiel pleaded between two moans, voice broken and barely sounding like himself. 

Sam made a sound, picking up the pace, nothing gentle about his movement as he moved his hips up and down, thrusting into Cas, deep and hard. “Oh god.” Castiel’s hands fisting the sheets, mouth half open against the bed, more sound coming out of him, it was like each thrust of Sam was hitting him completely, body and soul and he could do nothing else but lay down there and take it. Take Sam. Take Sam and everything he had to offer as brutal and hot as it was. 

Sam bit his neck and Castiel jerked against the bed, curses escaping him some more. Sam growled, more than affected by the dirty mouth the other had and took one of Castiel’s knees, spreading his legs apart, just so he could go deeper in him.

Castiel made a strangled noise, closing his eyes for a moment before he caught Sam’s eyes and nodded. “Right fucking there, god please.”

Sam really didn’t know where the need to please Castiel came from but he obeyed immediately.

Sucking on Castiel’s neck, he moved, slower this time, hitting all the right spots on his way in and on his way out. Slow but still fast enough to make that obscene sound every time both of their skin came in contact, enough to take Castiel’s breath away and mostly, enough to make him come. Sam felt it, the other’s ass tighter than ever and he growled, coming too.

He growled with exhaustion and had the decency to pull out of Castiel and collapse on the bed instead of the other man. Castiel moved slowly, facing Sam with a smug smile. Sam sighed before he looked down, over Castiel’s body. He would probably have some marks in a few hours, but honestly the view of Castiel’s own come spilled over his stomach was too appealing for Sam to care about anything else. 

“So what is it going to be Winchester?” Cas asked in a broken voice.

“Hmm?” 

“Last time we had sex, you kinda left me for the army... Now what?” 

The moment was over, realized Sam looking into Castiel’s eyes. He just wished he could have fooled the other one just a little bit longer, just a few more hours. Sam sighed, pulling his underwear and pants back on before he tried to reach for Castiel’s hands, but the other didn’t let him do that, pulling away and biting his lower lip instead. 

“Spit it out.”

“They’re sending me away.” 

“What do you mean?”

“In a few days. They’re sending me to Afghanistan Cas.” 

There was another pause between them and Sam actually closed his eyes this time, because there was so much more he wanted to add. He wanted to confess how afraid he was, that Castiel should probably forget him but first, hug him, yes first do that, and maybe love him and say I love you back because even if he didn’t mean it, Sam needed to hear it before he went away. He knew what was going to happen from a military point of view, but as a person, this was going to be a whole new world.

When he opened his eyes, Castiel was gone. Sam heard the sound of water running and seconds later, Castiel reappeared in the room, putting his clothes back on. Sam moved, sitting on the bed now, doing his best to catch Castiel’s eyes. Castiel was too busy fighting with the buttons of his shirt. He gave up with a sigh, finally looking at Sam. 

“What do you expect me to do Sam?”

Sam shrugged. “Nothing. I just... You needed to know.”

“I needed to know? Well thank you very much. Do you know how long I’ve wanted this? How long I’ve wanted you back? You can’t just keep doing this. You can't just give me something and take it all away the next moment! That’s not fair.”

Sam knew Castiel spoke nothing but the truth but it didn’t mean it wasn’t hard to hear it. It felt cold, it was raining in his heart all over again and Sam could do nothing about it but stare at Castiel. He knew what he had to do, and it was leave.

“I’m sorry.” 

“You’re sorry?” Castiel sighed, rubbing one hand over his face, like he was looking for the right words to say himself. “What do you expect me to do Sam? Please, tell me.”

“I... Have a happy life.” The request seemed innocent but it was all Sam could wish for the other man. Castiel deserved it. “I always thought you would make a great husband and Anna seemed like a nice girl...”

“Don’t,” interrupted Castiel. “If you need to go, just go. If you want me to wait for you, say it, and I will.”

They stared at each other for what seemed like a long moment. But honestly it wasn’t that long, just the right amount of time for Sam to realize that no matter what he would answer to that question, Castiel would listen to him. Always. But when you love someone you just want them to be happy right? Oh if only it was that simple... 

“You’re right. I’m sorry Cas, you do deserve better and I hope you’ll find it.”

He couldn’t drag Castiel into his mess?

And believe it or not, it was the last words he said to the other man for a long time.

 

 _3 years later_  

His left eye hurt.

It was actually quite painful to blink and here, the colors were way too bright and the smell too strong. It was difficult to breathe, difficult to think, too difficult just to... He couldn't even feel his legs, he couldn't even move the tip of his fingers and mostly, more importantly, his head felt cold. Too heavy, standing up was actually painful, he was better off lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling. 

Everything here just felt so unfamiliar. New faces, people in hospital gowns... Mary came, one time or two, or maybe it was more? It was too difficult for Sam to count because his head hurt so much. But maybe it was the reason he was in the hospital in the first place, right? He just couldn't quite remember.

"Sam? Are you sure you're not too cold. Here, I'll give you an extra blanket."

Sam knew the face that appeared. He just couldn't quite place her, but she was a nurse, right? She just had to be, she was always asking questions and always making sure he was fine. Yesterday, she even managed to get him a burger instead of that disgusting hospital food. God, Dean used to hate hospital food and now so did Sam apparently. Missouri. Yes, her name was Missouri. Thank you, thought Sam. He actually felt warmer with the extra blanket, fingers closing around the fabric. He couldn't quite say it yet. It was odd. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him, physically he was fine now, his tongue was fine, Sam could talk. He should talk. He just didn't. He just didn't want to. Not that he had anything to say.

He simply had lost his voice. Then again, the last time he had opened his mouth it was to scream Gabriel's name because they happened to step right into a trap. Four seconds later, the other man was stepping on a bomb and exploding to pieces. Funny thing was, when they found Sam, he had more of Gabriel's blood on him than his own. No, it wasn't funny actually, it was just sad. Sad that he had screamed at the top of his lungs to warn everyone else, sad that everyone was already dead, sad because one of his legs was bleeding and just didn't want to move, sad because after everything he couldn't hear a single noise. But I'm screaming aren't I? Disoriented as he was in the cross fire, he hadn't quite figured it out.

Now he knew. That didn't make him feel any better but now he knew. 

"Sam?" He turned his head, not realizing he was slowly drifting from the pillow and he faced Missouri. He was glad she knew how to read all his expressions just like he could tell that she wanted him to move. And Sam wasn't sure he was quite okay with that. "Oh don't give me those eyes, soldier, but Doctor Novak needs to see you, now." Sam nodded slowly. 

He could remember waking up after closing his eyes on the battlefield, covered in mud and blood, having trouble breathing and thinking, yeah this is it, this is the end for me. And you know all that crap about seeing your life pass in front of your eyes? It didn't happen to Sam, his mind was blank, his body broken and he remembered wondering if Cas was going to be late for his funeral too. That would be just hilarious... Right?

And then he woke up in this white and clean hospital room. He remembered this beeping sound that was way too loud and he felt that sharp sensation in his arms and his legs were also trapped. He tried to fight it, oh god yes he tried to fight it, whole body moving to escape and just get the hell out of here. But then comforting hands found his face and he saw the blue eyes and he finally managed to breathe. Castiel didn't say anything in particular in fact they’ve barely even spoken since Sam got here six month ago. Time really did fly by since Sam wasn't noticing.

He did see however Missouri frowning at him, she was waiting for him. Oh...

"No, take your time! How do you want to do this, want to try to walk again or the chair?" 

Sam's eyes automatically landed on the wheel chair. It was less exhausting and to be honest Sam couldn't put too much effort into walking right now. To walk where? He had literally nowhere to go. 

"Okay big boy, come here." 

It should have been humiliating, needing someone to do such things but Sam didn't feel the shame. He had been there for Dean when he was sick and he didn't really feel the need to be brave like his brother.

He had no one to be brave for. Sam winced a little bit, holding on to woman as she forced him to get up with a strong grip, moving was still somehow painful and his legs were okay but still so heavy. "Almost done..." Sam was glad when he was finally inside the chair and sitting comfortably, it felt much better. Still cold, but you know, better. He pushed his hair from his face, some part of him happy it was growing back this quickly. 

Missouri pushed his seat into the too familiar hallway. Sam was forced to get out of his room at least once a day and he truly hated it. They’d put him in the common room with the other healing soldiers, TV playing in the background. But if it wasn't for the soap opera or the commercials, the room would be dead silent. No one was talking to each other, no one was playing the stupid board games, no one was connecting or bonding. Because it was all a joke, right? What were they supposed to exchange? Their sad memories?

However, it was where Missouri was taking him and he couldn't help but roll his eyes, mouth shut in a thin line. Too much sunlight coming from the window and for a moment or two, Sam thought of asking someone to shut the blinds, and then he spotted Cas. Castiel in his white blouse, looking at him with a warm smile. Castiel looked tired. His skin wasn't as pale as before, he had a little bit of a tan, as if he’d spent a few days on the beach. He was wearing his wedding ring today. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. Depended on his mood. Sam noticed all of that while Missouri was pushing him towards Cas.

"Hello Sam." Castiel sounded a little bit too professional to actually sound sincere, his doctor tone probably. 

"He's very quiet today Doctor, more than usual," announced Missouri and Sam actually wanted to laugh. 

Castiel actually caught his slight smirk and he sighed. "Yeah well... We'll have to see about that, thank you Missouri, I think I can handle it from here."

"Okay. You behave now soldier." Missouri ruffled his hair before she was gone and Sam shrugged, before looking at Castiel. What was this about? From what he understood, Castiel wasn't one of his doctors. He couldn't be, he was too close to Sam, it wasn't allowed. Close. Like that simple word alone could cover the fact that he wanted to kiss Cas every time that he saw him or that the ring on his finger was bugging him right now.

"Is this okay?" Cas finally asked. "I know how you prefer to sit by the window." 

Another shrug, Sam's eyes on Cas'.

"Fine we'll do this like that I suppose... " Castiel sighed again before he kneeled down, so he could be at the same level as Sam.

"Sam I'm sorry but technically... You can't be here." Castiel probably saw the puzzled look on his face because he quickly added. "You're...fine. I mean I checked your last results and you're fine, still need to rest and go slowly, other than that, you're fine." But? Sam could sense a but coming, maybe it was the way Castiel’s shoulders were moving, indicating that he was worried about something, or the way he would always frown when something was troubling him.

"I told them that you still hadn't said a word, even in therapy but apparently it's not enough... Sam..." The tone was more gentle this time, in fact, Cas even took his hand. Oh no darling please don't take those hands, they are wounded and cold... Please don't take those hands, they touched blood and they danced with sorrow, please, don't touch those hands. Sam's mouth was dry and his lips could have moved to say so but he didn't, instead he just stared blankly at Cas, tears at the corner of his eyes because he was cold. Still cold and that bitter taste into his mouth, Castiel couldn't wash that away could he?

"Sam... I talked to Mary and we both agreed you needed a fresh start, so I thought you could come to my house, I'll take care of you." It sounded like Castiel was saying that he would finally love Sam right. "I mean there is no one besides me in this big house, and from time to time Claire comes to visit, but I'm sure she'll love you. What do you think?"

I think you should stay away from me because I'm trouble. But Sam said none of that of course and just shrugged.

Castiel's house was not exactly like Sam had pictured in his head. He could still remember the look of disgust on Castiel's face every time he had to go back over to his own house when they were kids, or more like his grandmother’s house. Castiel apparently never found his place in that house and Sam never tried to ask why. However now wasn't the time and place to ask such questions and besides, Castiel was smiling inside his own home. He had been smiling a lot the past few days, as if he were actually trying to smile for the both of them while Sam was looking at him with this face completely blank of expression. 

Was Sam supposed to know how to respond to that smile? He didn't know what to do anymore. He would rather use all his strength to heal. Which he was doing. Very slowly. He had had to look down at himself in the shower and he had seen the scars all over his tanned skin, some old others very recent not to mention all the bruises, signs that his body had lived and saw many things. Sam never really found himself beautiful, one look at the Winchester boys and all people could see was Dean's gorgeous smile and eyes. They never stopped twice to look at Sam. And now he was glad. It was like his body wasn't even his anymore, he had to learn everything again, how to walk, how to sit, how to properly hold his fork... How to properly live.

"It'll come back eventually."

It was Castiel's sentence for everything, when Sam was tripping into the shower, needing help to climb the stairs, to cut this meat. It'll come back. Sam wasn't sure about that nor was he sure of when it was supposed to come back. When Cas? Am I suddenly going to wake up and feel the need to smile? Climb down the stairs, find you in the kitchen making breakfast and actually kiss you this time? Pin you against the counter and kiss you good and proper like you need to be kissed? But no. Instead, every morning for the past few days, Sam would just sit down and eat while Castiel was making some polite conversation or reading the newspaper out loud. Then he would go to work and Sam usually had the house for himself all day, sometimes Cas would pop in and make lunch but it was quite rare.

Mostly Sam was sitting alone in the room, reading, sending letters to Mary. He had tried a few times to go out and walk down the street, but it just felt strange and he didn't know where to go. So he just sat down on the porch and waited for Castiel to come back home. And there was that time when Cas took him to the grocery store and told him to go look for cereal. Sam had starred at the different boxes for more than twenty minutes, not knowing. Simply not knowing. Luckily Castiel had been there to snap him out of it.

Sleeping was pretty strange. He was taking pills before so he wouldn't dream. It was just so his body could rest and Sam was glad he didn't think he would have been to sleep without these. So afraid of what he could see once his eyes were closed. So afraid to lose himself into something he wasn't yet ready to face.

"I just can't get her tomorrow, no...no! We already talked about this, Anna please, listen."

Castiel sounded angry, Sam could tell even if he wasn't used to hearing that voice anymore. He wondered if now was a good time to step into the kitchen, maybe he should just wait. And he stopped, right there in the hall, a clear view to the kitchen, watching Castiel's back as the man was holding the phone. He spun around, frowning and rolling his eyes, obviously at the person on the other side of the line. 

"What do you mean I couldn't see her last time? Whose fault is that? Anna please, don't start a scene, you know I could have called the judge for that but I didn't, because unlike you I care about her wellbeing... And yes I said it! We're not married anymore and I'm trying to settle this the best way for both of us and mostly for Claire, but you're not helping either!"

It was a private conversation. Sam should have left but he was kinda stuck right where he was, Castiel's words reminding him that yes, Castiel did have a life without him. A beautiful and happy life. Until it collapsed. "It just happened. It's... Life I guess." Castiel had shrugged when Sam was still in the hospital and Castiel was visiting him daily. 

“Sam...have you been there long?” 

Sam jumped, not realizing he had been so deep in thought, wondering why Castiel’s marriage had ended up like this, and turned his head to face Castiel. He shook his head to say no and Castiel sighed running a hand through his hair as Sam was coming into the kitchen. 

“I really hope you didn’t hear all that. It’s just...” Castiel couldn’t finish his sentence and instead he looked at his feet like he was ashamed of something. Ashamed of what? He had in some way gotten to have everything Sam never had and probably never would. Sam should have been the one ashamed. When he faced Sam again, he had a sad smile on his face and Sam couldn’t understand why. 

“I really thought it would work you know, Anna and me. Really thought I loved her, turns out nothing is simple.” 

Oh it never is Cas... Sam didn’t say that of course, he’d kept his mouth shut, wondering where the hell he was supposed to look and if he was supposed to sit or not. All of those thoughts disappeared as Castiel crossed the distance between them and in a second, he was right in front of Sam and... Sam didn’t have too long to process why or how because Castiel’s lips were on his, Castiel’s arms around his neck. Castiel’s mouth was against his hard, chapped, and cold lips. He felt the other’s tongue lick his bottom lip, slowly asking for entrance and that was what made Sam realize all of this was very real. Castiel was trying to kiss him.

His body reacted on its own and he found himself pushing Castiel with most of the strength he had left, body shifting towards the door, trying to escape this. Castiel was now looking at him, hands on one of his lips, breathing hard.

He couldn’t do that, no Sam couldn’t let him do that, Castiel couldn’t just kiss him and try to make it feel better, try to love him. He couldn’t do that. Sam didn’t know why but this simple thought was moving deep inside and he wanted nothing more than to run.

His angel couldn’t save him this time.

 

“Sam... It’s your turn to roll the dice.”

She had eyes just like Castiel’s. It was the first thing he’d noticed about Claire. Castiel’s daughter. He nodded and took the dice, checking where his piece was. Because he was playing Monopoly with Castiel and his daughter and there was nothing wrong with that. 

“Yeah, you’ve got a six! It means Dad has to give you some money.” 

“You shouldn’t really sound too happy about that... I’m losing.” 

“I know you are. Which is why I’m happy.” Claire replied with a proud smile to which Castiel’s answer was to ruffle her hair before giving Sam his fake money.

He took the pieces of paper without even meeting Castiel’s eyes. They had been at this since yesterday. Castiel tried to apologize for the kiss but Sam just burst out of the kitchen and locked himself in the guest room, waiting for the other man to leave for work. He was shaking, couldn’t steady his hands nor his legs. He didn’t know why he had reacted like that. He didn’t know why Castiel had done that. He wanted to do that, kiss Castiel, kiss him good and just love him. He just wasn’t used to tenderness anymore.

All those years, had been rough and brutal, never receiving anything because he had signed on his own will. He didn’t know where the old Sam was, and it was scaring him. 

“I”m sorry.” He had said in a broken voice, sitting on the cold floor of his room. It was the first words he had said out loud since...since...since all of this happened. And they were for Castiel. For Castiel only because he was sorry for being like this, sorry for not knowing how to be the goofy and loveable Sam anymore, sorry because he didn’t know where he was supposed to go from here. He couldn’t be Dean and succeed in the army. He couldn’t be dad or mom and have a happy family. He didn’t have anyone to follow anymore. It was just him out there and it was scary. And he never felt like that since Dean’s funeral.

He was back to the start.

“Sam! You have to play twice! Sam are you listening to me?” 

Claire was waving her hands in front of his face and he smiled, showing he was paying attention.

“Be nice with Sam honey please... He’s still...”

“Recovering. I know dad, you said it like a hundred times already.” She rolled her eyes, just like Castiel would do.

“The more reason to listen to me then. Anyway I think we should do something else, besides you’re winning and...”

Castiel’s beeper chose that precise moment sound and the man took it with a frown, “Hmm... It’s the hospital and...oh god, apparently, there has been a fire somewhere in town. 

“You’ve got to go help them daddy! It’s okay. Sam and I will be fine on our own, we’ll watch TV or something. I promise I won’t tell mom.”

Claire was just perfect. She didn’t make any comments when she was introduced to Sam, in fact, she hugged him tight and the other man didn’t know what to do so he just stared up at Castiel who smiled at him in return. She was just like her father it seemed and that thought wasn’t comforting for Sam, quite the opposite.

“Well if you don’t mind. There’s some pizza left in the fridge. Sam you’ll be okay?” 

A nod and Castiel was getting up, rushing up to his room to get everything he needed.

Claire turned her gaze to Sam. “I really like you, you know? Now let’s put everything back in the box and watch TV.” Another nod and they both moved at the same time, Claire making small talk. 

Castiel reappeared in his hospital gown. “Well, gotta go. I guess I’ll see you tonight.” 

They followed him to the door and just when he was about to go, Sam took his hand. Castiel paused, whatever urgent matter he had, it seemed to all fade away just because of that simple contact. Sam kissed his forehead and whispered, “goodbye.”

Castiel looked up, awe on his feature because Sam had talked to him after all this time but Sam just shrugged. 

“Go.” Sam cleared his throat. “They need you.”

“Yeah I... Sam... We’ll talk tonight okay?” 

“Sure, we’ll do that. Go.”

“Okay. Claire be a good girl, okay.”

Castiel kissed his daughter and then he was gone, leaving Sam and Claire standing in front of the door. Sam looked down and smiled and Claire sighed. 

“You’re going to leave aren’t you? Please if you do, write him a letter, my mom couldn’t even do that before... Write him, it’ll make it better.” Claire nodded before she left, heading to the living room.

She could just read it all over Sam’s face couldn’t she ? It wasn’t just any goodbye he had just given to Castiel. It was goodbye for a while. Just so he could learn again.

 

Dear Castiel 

Over the years I wrote you so many letters and yet I feel like I didn't tell you everything. It’s safe to say that when you read this, I’ll be miles away.

There are so many words to tell, so many things I could say and yet, it would still feel like it's not enough. Like I'm not being good enough. The first time I saw you I just wanted to know everything about you and I wonder why you look so sad. And now I know that over the years I made you a little more sad. But we had some happy moments, didn't we? I have some pretty good photo to prove it and I always look back at the past with a smile. The rest just seemed so dark Cas, you have no idea. I can't follow Dean's path anymore. I just can't follow anyone's. Dean wasn't beside me during that time I was a soldier, I was on my own. I know I never talk about this and I probably never will but I don't regret doing it.

Please don't judge me too harshly when you read this and please forgive me for a while. I'm sure we'll meet again sometime in the future because that's just what we do right? 

I'm not leaving you behind. I'm letting you go. I'm being selfish once again but you were always older and wiser than me. You need this. You need a life on your own. Knowing I'm okay, knowing I'm fine. You've got Claire and I can just feel that she is going to be a great girl like her daddy is. I guess I was wrong, you weren't made to be the perfect husband but the perfect Dad. (Claire is amazing you know that?)

I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be amazing Castiel.

I don't know how I know it but I do, no, happiness didn't suddenly burst inside of me it's just the way it is I guess. 

I'm gonna get my car back and drive the Impala all across the country for a while. Maybe actually go to college. I'm not sure yet.

You're gonna hear from me very soon.

Love.

Sam 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I enjoyed writting this fic probably more than should have, not to mention the art is amazing.  
> I really hope


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